Nothing pretty about “Machete,” just bloody goodness

It doesn’t take much to please a guy — explosions, fist-fights, Lindsay Lohan. Guys, consider “Machete” an early Christmas present.

Boring stuff out of the way first; Danny Trejo plays “Machete,” a Mexican Federale who is back-stabbed and left for dead by a Mexican drug-lord. Years later, he finds his way into Texas and the only thing on his mind is killing the men who murdered his family and who have crossed him, yet again.

Now to the good stuff, because frankly, this isn’t about storyline, narrative, or character development. This is a good ole action flick that wants to entertain the heck out of you with ridiculous stunts, beautiful women, and the most preposterous scenarios that can only be found in a Grindhouse film.

Within the first two minutes of the film Machete has decapitated a handful of men, with nothing more than, take a guess — his trusty machete. Although his favorite weapon, the machete is certainly not his only weapon. Machete also uses gardening tools, guns, fists, other people’s limbs, and a motorcycle, which he magically rides in the air, escaping an explosion and killing a bunch of henchmen.

Along the way in his one-man, Mexican crusade, Machete encounters Sartana (Jessica Alba), an immigration enforcement officer, Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), the leader of an underground illegal immigrant movement known as “The Network,” and April (Lindsay Lohan), the aspiring model and daughter to the man that set up Machete. Each one more beautiful than the last, these women offer a much-needed visual oasis of eye-candy that is received joyously after having to look at the not-so-beautiful Danny Trejo for the rest of the time.

But “Machete” is not all guns and women. Writer/Director, Robert Rodriguez, ensured that the movie had plenty of laughs as well. Cheech Marin gave a classic performance as the Padre, and brother of Machete, who was not afraid to bust a cap or two at the appropriate time. And Robert DeNiro, as Senator MacLaughlin, proved that even an actor with a prestigious career like he’s had, can have fun, not take himself so seriously, and play a ridiculous role that pulls him into a dogfight or two of his own.

After all is said and done, when you fuse all of these elements, what you have is a movie that never suffers from an identity crisis. “Machete” is not trying to win any awards or even make a ton of money, it’s just no-frills entertainment wrapped up in manly-man goodness.

Ladies, I’m warning you though, don’t get duped into watching this movie because your man promised to watch “Eat, Pray, Love” with you. Let him go and have a night out with the boys, and you do your own thing, or have a ladies night while the guys watch “Machete”. The testosterone bouncing off the walls of the theater simply means this movie is 100 percent male approved.

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