“Ghost Rider 2”: I just never learn

Well, here we are. It’s 2012, and we’ve finally achieved the impossible.

We made a “Ghost Rider” sequel.

Let’s be honest. No one saw this coming. Except everyone. Nic Cage has this ineffable ability to take something that is literally worth absolutely nothing and turn it into an effects-crazy, convoluted, just plain ridiculous excuse for a blockbuster movie.

I mean, “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” is still nothing. It’s just a shinier, fierier type of nothing. I’ve always been a big fan of Cage, at least since he was a legitimate actor (“Matchstick Men”, anyone?), but at this point, he’s just making me sad. Flashy effects and gratuitous PG-13 violence can only get you so far, Nic, and still not far enough to get into my heart. Sorry, bro.

But let’s talk about this complete train wreck of a movie. In the sequel to the 2007 “Ghost Rider” movie, the one that made Marvel fans and normal humans alike groan in unison, Johnny (Cage) is still struggling with his curse. Johnny fights his inner demon while, what appears to be, the Devil’s bounty hunter is hiding out in a remote part of Eastern Europe. Then, a secret sect of the church to save a young boy from the Devil recruits Johnny. At first, Johnny is reluctant to embrace the power of the Ghost Rider, but it is the only way to protect the boy and possibly rid himself of the curse forever.

Sounds like an almost decent premise for an almost bearable sequel, right?

That’s what they want you to think. If you, like me, were tricked into watching the first movie back in ’07, you probably felt sick at the very mention of a sequel. That’s OK. It will pass. Probably.

Story-wise? Quite possibly the worst excuse for a movie-adaptation of a Marvel superhero I’ve ever seen (and I saw “Thor”). Effects-wise? Not bad because I possess a Y-chromosome and am easily amused by dancing flames and motorcycles that are on fire.

All in all, you’d better give this flick a miss. Just go watch “The Secret World of Arriety” (2012) and actually enjoy your movie experience.

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