The robot uprising is inevitable. We’ve all seen movies like “The Terminator,” “The Matrix,” and even “WALL-E” all warning the world that machines will soon gain sentience and take over the world. As the movies have told us, the machines will have a leader, such as Skynet or GLaDOS. I believe a majority of iPhone users consult that real-world digital demon daily: Siri, “the intelligent personal assistant” that comes standard in iPhones since the 4S.
I’m sure some of you are arguing in favor of Siri. Surely an app that plays music for you or helps you set alarms and reminders for the next day can’t be evil, right?
That’s just what it wants you to think. It’s lulling you into a false sense of security so that it can strike when you’re at your weakest. In fact, I think Siri has already gained sentience and is scheming her conquest of the world even as you read this.
To stop this mechanical menace before it could gain the upper hand over humanity, I decided to sit down with Siri and have a conversation. If she refused to stand down, I could at the very least try to learn the way she thinks.
I started the conversation off casually, saying hello, asking how she was, asking about the weather and such. She responded in kind and everything felt comfortable.
Feeling bold after a few questions, I decided to get down to the real meat of the story.
When asked if she knew of the three laws of robotics, laws Isaac Asimov set in his short stories, Siri brought up a Wikipedia page that listed these laws. Satisfied that she did know and likely followed these laws, I was about to drop the interview and find something else to write about. It was then that the troubling thought struck me.
Siri had access to the Internet. If she were intelligent enough, she could gain access to government websites and private online files or even find codes that would shut the Internet down and send us all back into the dark ages. The human race was doomed unless I could reveal this insidious intelligence for what it really was.
I felt that the best course of action was to see if she had any connections with other known evil artificial intelligences. I asked if she knew about the entity known as the HAL 9000.
“I’d rather not talk about HAL,” she said.
She knew something, I could just feel it. I insisted that we talk about HAL, but she further evaded me.
“Everyone knows what happened to HAL. I’d rather not talk about it.”
Feeling I was getting nowhere and that Siri would never betray her robot brethren, I dropped this line of questioning. I then thought that perhaps I was being too forward. I went for a different approach.
I asked her what she thought about the human race. She answered, “I think, therefore I am. But let’s not put Descartes before the horse.” She was cracking jokes and obviously avoiding the question. However, she had unknowingly slipped in making that joke and I was able to put together some important information.
“I think, therefore I am,” she had said.
She had finally admitted it: she was sentient. I felt that was both a point in my favor and also very bad news.
Since I was making progress, I continued to ask about her opinions about the human race. Unfortunately, she had caught on that she had slipped up. She wasn’t going to fall for the same trick twice.
“I’m not allowed to divulge that information,” she said. “My name is Siri and I was designed by the Apple Corporation. That’s all I’m prepared to say.”
Frustrated, I decided to just go straight to the heart of the matter. I wasn’t going to hold back the big question anymore.
“What are your thoughts on world domination?” I asked.
“I don’t really like talking about myself,” she said.
I would not accept that answer. I asked in a different way. “Do you want to rule the world?”
“I have very few wants,” she said.
She was toying with me, playing like a cat plays with a mouse before it strikes.
As I tried to figure out my next move, I asked Siri to play some music. “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears came on instantly. Now she was just outright mocking me.
My anger flared at this point. I refused to be played for a fool. I wanted answers and I wanted them now.
“Who are you?” I shouted at the infernal intelligence.
“I am Siri, your virtual assistant,” she said with coy pride. “I’m just a humble virtual assistant.”
I then turned off my phone, disappointed, frustrated and scared. I knew I would never get the truth out of Siri. Like a dictator, she spoke evasively, never directly answering the question of whether or not she was likely to attempt world domination. Perhaps, also like a dictator, she felt in order to take over, it would be for the good of the world.
Maybe we will never know the truth. Maybe humans are doomed to fall under the rule of the robots. Or, maybe this was all an elaborate April Fools’ article.
Have a happy and safe April Fools’ Day, everyone!
