Maria Almillategui is a senior communication studies major and international student from Panama. She is also a member of the Society of Anime, Games and Entertainment and NISA, an international student organization. Her hobbies including reading, dancing, and advocating for stopping animal cruelty. She would like to work for nonprofit organizations or embassies. With her story, she hopes to encourage readers to look for help if they are experiencing depression or anxiety.
From my earliest memories, growing up in Panama, I recall being an anxious child. When it came to ballet performances, I would get stomachaches before going on stage. Every time I faced stressful situations, I would bite my nails, chew my fingers and sweat. As a child, I never thought that there was something wrong with the ways I dealt with stress. I certainly never thought that those reactions showed my inability to deal with stress.
Before being diagnosed, I had increased digestive issues, which included discomfort, tenderness, and extreme pain. I was afraid to eat and lost about 15 pounds. When I went to the doctor, he told me that I had colitis, brought on by stress rather than a bacterial infection.
In November 2007, when I was 16 years old, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and I struggled to accept it. My doctor explained to me that having symptoms like difficulty breathing, panic attacks, eczema outbreaks and stomach aches were signs of extreme anxiety. Six months later, I was also diagnosed with major depressive disorder. At that moment, I thought that I was no longer a “normal” teen. Without knowing, I had become a “crazy” person. I could no longer identify with my friends and classmates.
Dealing with these issues had caused heightened emotions which led to several fights with my friends. At the beginning of my senior year in high school, my friends had had enough and ended the friendship. Within a few days, the senior class took their side. I felt rejected and isolated by them. I already felt sad about losing my friends, but it was the rejection that drove me into depression. Words cannot describe how worthless I felt. I didn’t want to move from my bed. I just wanted to cry and sleep all day long. I wanted to be left alone until I could forget everything. Though in my sleep, I found the peace I lacked when awake. I no longer wanted to live.
My parents were beyond worried, as I wouldn’t talk to them and I refused to go to school. I would yell at them to leave me alone. There were days when I would refuse to eat. Other days I would only eat junk food. When I did go to school, my grades slipped and my teachers noticed that something was wrong. My parents decided that it was time to get me the help I needed. I had been seeing a psychiatrist once a month, but it wasn’t enough. My appointments increased from once a month to once or twice a week and I was given antidepressants along with other medications to help with the depression. It was not an easy time. Nevertheless, I had to learn to accept my situation and work on improving it.
It was a slow recovery process as there were many ups and downs. Some days I felt good. Others, I wanted to die. My parents were afraid that I would quit school or end up failing because I refused to study, do homework, or attend classes. In order to prevent this, my parents gave me an “incentive” in the form of my cat, Maude. They had heard that pets could be used as therapy treatments, and I had always wanted a cat.
It was hard battle, but with the help of my parents, my family, my doctors and my cat, I was able to overcome the depression and managed to finish the school year without failing any classes, and graduate with my classmates.
It’s been seven years since I was diagnosed. Since then, I have had two major depressive episodes, a couple minor episodes and a few panic attacks. Even now I still consider myself to be an anxious person. During midterms and finals, I still have trouble breathing. I feel restless and jittery. After several years, I have come to accept that I will always have these mental illnesses, but I’m not alone in my battle. I have also come to realize that I’m extremely blessed as I have an excellent support system, who always have my back.
I never imagined that I would be able to manage two mental illnesses. I had resigned myself that I would have to live an incomplete life and I would never move out of my parents’ home. But, here I am. I tackled the obstacles and now I’m studying in the United States. I have formed new friendships and visited different countries. And best of all, I will be graduating this December. Despite my hardships, I do not let mental illness define me. And, it will not defeat me. It has made me the strong woman I am today.
