The new iPhone, which hit Apple stores across the nation last month, is revolutionizing the smartphone industry.
The latest model is slightly thinner and boasts a slightly larger screen as well as a slightly better camera. There are also a number of internal processing changes that are very difficult to verify, but are no doubt innovative.
iPhone users everywhere are completely satisfied with the new model.
“I really love the new iPhone,” said Terrence Greene, a 23-year-old self-proclaimed nonconformist. “I post a lot of anti-capitalist and anti-consumerism rants to YouTube, and I use my iPhone to film them. It’s really great that Apple has developed a reliable tool that I can use to take a stand against a culture driven by arbitrary status symbols and perpetuated by corporate greed.”
Workout enthusiast Wesley Quinn said that the new iPhone has revitalized his Instagram account.
“The latest iPhone is totally worth it,” he said. “All of my girlfriends can now see my abs in slightly higher definition — which is crazy because my abs are already super defined.”
Apple CEO Joe Works expressed enthusiasm over the new design and detailed some of the changes that buyers can expect.
“It’s the last iPhone, just better,” Works said. “It’s definitely the most advanced smartphone in the world and the best we’ve ever created, since the last iPhone, of course. It has a new, crack-resistant screen that resists cracking in 75 percent of our tests in which the iPhone was dropped on soft, malleable surfaces. The new iPhone also uses a different charger than previous iPhones, a change which is completely and unquestionably necessary. We hope this will not cause iPhone buyers any inconvenience.”
The new iPhone has an advanced iOS 17-3 operating system, which will absolutely not need to be updated twice a month, and a 4.7-inch HD SD 4D retina 3000 display with SS9 touchscreen technology that’s unlike any other touchscreen ever seen before, although it looks exactly the same.
“It’s obviously better and more advanced than any other smartphone on the market,” said Apple guru Gene Durell. “I haven’t used anything but Apple technology for years, so I definitely know what I’m talking about when it comes to this stuff. All of my friends have iPhones. Apple products are so popular, and the reason for that is simple: they’re the best.”
The phone comes in four stunning colors that completely distinguish it from the previous models, as well as competing smartphones: sea storm gray, moonlight silver, sunset gold and blushing rose. The uneducated consumer often refers to these colors as gray, light gray, yellow and pink.
“Colored iPhones? What will Apple come up with next? It’s genius,” said iPhone user Samantha Yeardley. “I have the last iPhone, and it only came in two different shades of gray. I’m getting the new iPhone this weekend. I can’t wait to express my unique personality by choosing one of four predetermined unpretentiously-named colors. I think I’m going to pick blushing rose.”
The new iPhone is available in Apple stores everywhere at an affordable price for high-income individuals and their spoiled 12-year-old children.
