The holiday season is upon us. For most college students, this is an exciting time to go home and brag about how you conquered the semester. It’s also time to introduce your significant other to your parents and sell them on the idea that you are doing well in school and in the ideal relationship with someone who brings out the best in you. Also, at some point, you even imagine yourself marrying this person and living in the suburbs with that white picket fence. Well, if you found yourself reading the previous sentence and nodding your head in affirmation, then you have my permission to stop reading now. But if you’re anything like me, which means you’re hopelessly single, and you have already started to prepare your “I’m single because…” speech, please continue reading because I am about to save your holiday.
Below are five tips that all single college students should use before and during their holiday visits back home. These life-saving tips will reduce your anxiety about going home and allow you to focus on the important things during the holiday season. You know, things like, gifts, good Wi-Fi and free food.
Tip #1: Appear busy
In a couple weeks, you will head home, so if you want this to work, you need to start now. Start ignoring your parents’ calls and then text or call them a few minutes later. Keep the response simple, with something like “I am in a meeting…,” “I’m studying Mom” or, my favorite, “Mom, I’m about to save a unicorn ― can’t talk.” This lays the foundation for your holiday comeback. So when that one inquisitive relative starts to question why you’re single, just say that you were so busy that you didn’t have time to date and use the fact that you ignored your parents as proof of your busy-ness.
Tip #2: The bad example
This tip blurs the line between right and wrong, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Use a friend’s awful relationship as an example as to why you have chosen to remain single. We all have that one friend who has a mean significant other, so use their relationship as a counterexample, and watch your parents become thankful you’re single. Please use pseudonyms. If your friend’s name is Jill, call her J or something like that; you wouldn’t want your parents to judge your friend’s poor relationship choices. If you don’t have a friend who is in a bad relationship, then get creative and make one up.
Tip #3: The picky dater
I think this is the best tip thus far. The picky dater excuse makes you look like you have such high standards that you could never settle, which is why you are single. In reality, on a scale of one – to – 10, one meaning you have really low standards, the average college student is between three and five. Like the “appear busy” tip, you need to start laying the foundation for this excuse. So start complaining about the boys or girls at school. Start telling your parents that they are subpar in comparison to what you want and that they raised you better than to simply settle. Your parents will be so proud. Also, this gives the illusion that you are wholesome and self-righteous. This will make them drop the “Why are you single?” question faster than Hillary dismissing the Benghazi scandal.
Tip #4: The little white lie
This is probably the most obvious tip on the list: lying to your parents. I would say that this is immoral, and lying to your parents is a big no-no, but you’re in college, and I’m sure you’ve lied to your parents before, so this one little lie isn’t a big deal.
However, the lie shouldn’t be a crazy one like, “My boyfriend/girlfriend and I are great, and we wish we could be here.” Your parents will see right through that excuse, and it makes you sound like a lying psychopath. Instead, say something like “I’m dating someone, and it’s not at the ‘meet-the-family’ level yet.” It will keep them in suspense and get them off your back for the holiday. I mean, maybe it’s not even a lie because maybe you are seeing someone, but it’s a premature relationship. Like I’m in a premature relationship with Netflix, and I don’t need my parents to get involved and ruin my blossoming obsession.
Tip #5: Own it
The previous tips were all about dodging reality. However, this tip is about owning your situation and not being ashamed of it. Most of you are in your early 20s ― still trying to figure who you are and what you like. You shouldn’t let anyone pressure you into rushing through this phase of your life. So don’t be ashamed of it, and explain this to your parents. They will love you regardless. I hate self-love articles and team single hashtags, but there is some truth to it all. You’re the most important person in your life, and although having a significant other is fun and all, you don’t need that in college. Schoolwork and getting good grades are priority, while boyfriends and girlfriends can wait until you’re ready. Continue to date and figure life out. Be confident about being single, and no one, not even your parents, will make you feel badly about it.
