When entering college it’s common to have new experiences, and sometimes that involves personal relationships, whether romantic or friendly. Relationships are a wonderful thing to have. They provide a chance to explore common interests as well as the possibility of finding companionship or a long-lasting friendship. But, not all of these relationships are positive. When a partner in the relationship feels unsafe or is being abused — mentally or physically — that relationship is unhealthy and can even be deemed toxic.
The main problem with these types of relationships is they can be hard to identify as the partner in the relationship or as a bystander. According to Loveisrespect.org, 57 percent of college students say it’s difficult to identify these types of relationships and 58 percent say they don’t know how to help someone who’s experiencing it. Desmond Daniels, NSU’s Title XI Coordinator listed below some general characteristics of an unhealthy relationship, to help determine if a relationship is unhealthy:
10 signs of an unhealthy relationship
- Intensity: extreme feelings or over-the-top behavior
- Jealousy: lashes out or control because of it
- Manipulation: influence your decisions, action or emotions
- Sabotage: ruining reputation, achievements or successes
- Belittling: making you feel bad about yourself
- Guilting: making you feel guilty or responsible
- Isolation: keeping you away from friends, family or individuals
- Volatility: unpredictable reactions causing you to walk on eggshells
- Deflecting responsibility: making excuses for behavior
- Betrayal: acting differently with you versus around other people
One of the most important characteristics of any relationship is an open line of communication. If you or your partner are not willing to communicate on issues — or even positive steps in your relationship — then that’s something you should look into. In any relationship, communication about the serious topics should be as easy as talking about a recent movie you’ve watched. It may not seem that simple at first, but as long as the lines of communication are “open” then it should be easier to talk about it when issues arise.
If any of the aforementioned signs are a part of your relationship this is the time to ask yourself a serious question: Am I safe? If the answer is no or maybe not, then it may be time to ask a confidential resource for some guidance. This source can come from many different forms such as a family member, a guidance counselor, NSU’s Title XI Officers Laura Bennett or Desmond Daniels or any other person or community resource you can trust to discuss your specific situation and see what options are available to either mend the relationship or if necessary, get legal action involved.
Am I the toxic partner?
This may be an uncomfortable topic to bring up, but it must be addressed. We always see the perspective of unhealthy relationships from the victim, but what if you are the guilty party? This does not mean that you are a bad person or that you are trying to hurt your partner. It can mean that there are actions or statements that you are making that make your partner uncomfortable that you are not aware of. This is why communication is a major part of the relationship. If you feel you might be the toxic partner or responsible for any unhealthy actions in your relationship, don’t be afraid to ask. Gain perspective from outside sources or better yet, from your partner. These discussions may be tough but your willingness to take your partner’s feelings and your personal struggles into account in order to make changes in your life and relationship are for the better.
New Relationships
When people start a new relationship it is important to try and start the relationship off right with open dialogue. Here are some basic topics or questions you should be willing to talk with your partner about to avoid problems in the future:
- Set limits: Are there any limits intimately or physically you may have that should be addressed? Be sure to allow for your partner to voice their concerns as well.
- Expectations: What do you expect from the relationship? Defining the relationship is one mark of our generation which we tend to avoid. But, it is perfectly natural to have these conversations and it allows for both individuals to be aware of what is expected and dispels any possible confusion as to what the relationship is.
- Consent: This word has become a buzzword in recent events but it is still important to talk about these things. Your partner might have had issues with intimacy in the past, or have never had this type of relationship before. It’s important to make sure that they are comfortable with any or all actions that are going on in the relationship, even if that means not doing what you want out of respect for your partner’s wishes.
- When is the time: There is never a good time to have these conversation, but the best time to have this type of conversation is early in the relationship. If you talk about all of these concerns early on, there is no chance for confusion later, which protects not only yourself but your partner’s feelings and wishes, too.
College is a great time in life to branch out and explore all life has to offer in your education and also in your personal life. It’s important to stay safe and comfortable in these situations, and in these relationships specifically, you need to make sure that above all, you respect your partner and your partner respects you.
If you a victim of abuse and need help or advice, there are many resources available to you at NSU:
Laura Bennett Title XI Coordinator
Tel: 954-262-7858
Email: laura.bennett@nova.edu
Desmond Daniels, Title IX Investigator/Deputy Title IX Coordinator
Tel: 954-262-7863
Email: dddaniels@nova.edu
Henderson Student Counseling Center
3440 S. University Drive, Davie, FL 33328
Office: 954-424-6911 or 954-262-7050
Hotline: 954-424-6911 or 954-262-7050 (available 24 hours, 7 days a week)
