Seriously Kidding: NSU theme park in the works?!

Have you ever wanted to go from the emotional roller coaster that is your class to an actual roller coaster? Well now you can…. at least in the future. Thanks to some hardcore investigative journalism, we can now confirm that NSU plans to remove the high school and replace it with a theme park. Now your days of longing for a mini vacation are no more. No more looking up flight schedules during class or booking destinations, NSU’s new theme park is a one stop beauty.

You like corndogs, they got it. You like cheesecake, they got it. You only like the cheese? Lucky you, they got it. They have so many amenities, it will make your head spin faster than during math class. Including a padded room for hissy fits, extra strength Tylenol for any headaches acquired from studying, a gator wrestling ring to fight out your frustration, be the next “Florida man” with the VR simulation and more! With over eight major attractions, NSU’s new theme park will rocket its way into your heart. Instead of screaming while attempting to learn, why not scream on the rides at the park?

Here are a few rides you can expect; the Shark Shuttle Overdrive, the Rolling Hills Wheel, the Deadline and the Parking Garage. The Shark Shuttle Overdrive is a multi-person ride that goes around the theme park at 80 miles an hour. I wonder if it will be on schedule. The Rolling Hills Wheel is a ride we all know and love; the Ferris wheel! However there’s a twist, the ride operator is required to fit as many people as possible into each cart. I guess they’re bringing you up just to bring you down. The Deadline is said to be the fastest roller coaster the world has ever seen. It is said to go just as fast as the deadlines for your assignments.  Finally we have the Parking Garage, but don’t let the name fool you, because there is no place to park. It’s an open track where you drive go-karts around aimlessly for as long as you want.

Tickets start at $50 and the first 150 students to preorder their tickets are entered into a drawing. The grand prize is a free college education! The best part about this prize is even if you graduate before 2020 you could win a refund on your college education. I don’t know about you guys but I am going to be preordering my tickets for the grand opening in 2020 today.  

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