Romantic relationships in college, whether they be serious or casual, can be fun.
Whether you’re looking for the one or a one night stand, you need to understand that when it comes to sex, you’re always going to need to have consent.
What exactly is consent?
NSU’s Title IX website and sexual misconduct policy says the following about consent:
“Informed, voluntary and mutual agreement to engage in a sexual activity. Consent must be sought by the initiator of each act and can be withdrawn at any time. There is no consent when there is force, expressed or implied, or when coercion, intimidation, threats, or duress is used. Whether a person has taken advantage of a position of influence over another person may be a factor in determining consent. Silence or absence of resistance does not imply consent. Past consent to sexual activity with another person does not imply ongoing future consent with that person or consent to that same sexual activity with another person.
If a person is mentally or physically incapacitated or impaired so that such person cannot understand the fact, nature or extent of the sexual situation, there is no consent; this includes impairment or incapacitation due to alcohol or drug consumption that meets this standard, being asleep or unconscious, or being under the legal age to give consent.”
Basically, consent is permission to have sex without anyone having to force or persuade you to do it. It might sound simple — or not — but consent entails a lot. According to Desmond Daniels, deputy Title IX coordinator, the basic thing you need to understand about consent is respect.
“Consent isn’t just a simple definition, it can be pretty complex,” said Daniels. “What we like to do when we talk about consent is talk about respect. If I’m creating forced coercion or participation, then I don’t respect my partner enough and that’s a concern.”
How do you get consent
You can receive consent by asking for it, but sometimes that is easier said than done. As Laura Bennett, Title IX Coordinator, explained:
“We live in a society that already really doesn’t teach people how to talk about sex in healthy and appropriate ways and so now we suddenly have lots of students who are living in the same area and school, trying to navigate relationships to have those kinds of conversations.”
In other words, talking about sex makes a lot of people uncomfortable which leads a lot of people to avoid the topic as much as is possible, or altogether. For that reason, it’s important to understand that consent and communication is a healthy part of sexual relationships.
Communicate with your partners about what you like, what you don’t, what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. That way both partners are safe, valued and respected in the relationship. If you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to talk about it.
Myths about consent that need to die today
As Bennett mentioned, our society as as whole isn’t so good at talking about sex and consent. To help further cement this idea, here are some common held myths about consent:
Myth: I got consent for one kind of activity, like kissing, so I have consent to do more.
Truth: You need consent for every step of a sexual experience. Just because someone is okay with kissing, doesn’t mean they’ll be okay doing more.
Myth: Once consent is given, the person can’t take it back.
Truth: Consent can be withdrawn at any time. If your partner feels uncomfortable at any point, they have the right to stop things even if they said yes at first.
Myth: Silence is equivalent to consent.
Truth: Just because someone isn’t saying “no” doesn’t mean they are saying “yes.” Sometimes people are unable to say anything if they feel a level of discomfort. You need verbal consent.
Myth: I’ve gotten consent in the past so my partner should be okay with the same sexual activity in the future.
Truth: Past consent does not mean you’ll have consent in the future. You need to ask consent from your partner before you have sex.
Myth: If I’m really interested in my partner and I can show them that, I can talk them into the sexual activity that I want.
Truth: “Talking someone into” doing something they aren’t comfortable with is not consent. Checking in with someone to see if they changed their mind about sex is different than trying to convince them to sleep with you.
Myth: Only the woman in a heterosexual relationship has to consent.
Truth: Both parties in any kind of relationship must consent to any kind of sexual activity. Men have autonomy over their bodies as well and assuming that they don’t need to consent because they always want sex is false and damaging.
10 ways to talk about consent when you’re in the heat of the moment
“Do you want to keep going?”
“I really want to have sex with you. Do you want to?”
“Would you be okay with [insert activity here]?”
“I noticed you flinched just now. Are you sure this is okay?”
“Do you want to stop here?”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Can we keep going?”
“Do you like it when I [insert activity here]?”
“Can I kiss you here?” “Can I take off your shirt?” etc.
“Is there anything you want to try?”
