We’ve all heard legions about letting go of toxic relationships: those involving people who manipulate you or intentionally disrespect you. Redundant advice on age-old red flags — controlling behavior, gaslighting, testing boundaries — begins to feel mechanical and impersonal. Manipulators are artful parasites, and they don’t tend to make their manipulation quite as obvious as red flag articles have you believe. For example, you might read about gaslighting, a manipulation technique used to make the victim question their own memories or sanity, and think that you would easily recognize and withstand someone lying to your face about something that happened to you. Still, gaslighting and other emotionally abusive patterns tend to be much more subtle and potent than one assumes.
With it being so hard to recognize that you’re in a toxic relationship when you’ve already been caught in it’s grooves, how do you know if you’re in one? Or, if you’re not in a toxic relationship but you question whether keeping someone around is more detrimental to your health than otherwise, how do you know when to let someone go? One approach is to evaluate whether your relationship is relatively balanced in terms of give and take.
Start with asking yourself whether the friend or significant other in question respects you. Respect entails an assortment of actions and attitudes that combine to indicate that someone values you as a person. Someone who respects you takes you seriously. They actively listen to your problems and even your non-problems and they respond to concerns you bring up about your relationship. To do all of this, a person has to make time for you; you shouldn’t be putting all the effort into your relationship. During the time they spend with you, someone who respects you will learn and respect your boundaries. If they cross those boundaries, either out of ignorance or impulse, they’ll show genuine sorrow, take responsibility for their actions and be eager to make changes to ensure they don’t make the same mistake. Watch out for people who seem to push your boundaries intentionally — often, they won’t stop.
In a similar vein, a friend or partner who respects you will be honest, not just in their words but in their actions, too. When someone says they are supportive of you, their actions should show that. Someone who lies to you about who they are or who hides aspects of their life that affect you is not someone who respects you. A true friend will consistently try to communicate with you effectively, and they’ll make an effort to notice when you’re upset or need a little extra help. Overall, when someone respects you, they’ll show in everything they do with you and for you that they see you as an equal.
If you find yourself questioning someone’s demeanor towards you, don’t excuse actions even if you view them as “small potatoes.” If someone makes you feel slighted, address it. If they don’t care to fix it or if they turn it around on you, then you’re probably better off without them. Remember, you might believe someone is deserving of your love, but when that same person is stunting your growth or hurting you, you have to recognize the “love” they are returning isn’t unconditional. Have high standards for your relationships, and put yourself first. Make sure the people in your life tick all of these boxes and express any other qualities that are important to you. You deserve it.
