As February draws to an end, it’s important to carry over the knowledge Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month has highlighted. That is, college-age students are at risk for experiencing abuse from intimate partners, and even more students may find themselves in generally unhealthy relationships.
According to loveisrespect, a national advocacy organization striving to educate young people about healthy relationships and preventing abuse, one in three U.S. teens will experience sexual, physical, emotional and verbal, financial or digital abuse before they reach adulthood, and almost half of college women report encountering these behaviors in their relationships. With this epidemic of violence spreading through student communities, understanding how to set boundaries, what respect encompasses and consent are all vital in evaluating both how you are being treated in your relationships as well as what you are bringing to your partners.
One of the most important aspects of a relationship is respecting boundaries, but for whatever reason, we don’t always explicitly set these.
Deputy Title IX Coordinator Desmond Daniels said, “I think the part we miss is communication. When we’re thinking about boundary-setting, it’s probably a good idea to think about how we like to be communicated to.”
Essentially, every person is different in what makes them feel supported and what makes them feel disrespected, so having a direct conversation with your partner — the earlier the better — to avoid accidentally crossing boundaries is highly advisable. It may feel awkward, but it’s much better to feel awkward and ultimately grow closer than to hurt a person you care about. When considering what areas to place boundaries in, loveisrespect categorizes boundaries in to emotional, physical and digital.
Once you’ve set boundaries, it’s easier to see where your partner might be crossing them and assess whether your relationship is healthy, unhealthy or abusive. It may be news to some that there is a distinction between unhealthy and abusive, and while understanding that difference is important to reacting to and dealing with your circumstances, both are detrimental to your well-being.
In terms of distinguishing between the two, Daniels said that in an unhealthy relationship, “the individuals involved aren’t communicating with one another. They’re presuming things, they’re taking body language as some greater implication of something else, they’re drawing conclusions without actually sitting down an engaging in a dialogue.”
Resources from Women in Distress of Broward County (WID) say that partners in an unhealthy relationship, not only don’t communicate, but are also disrespectful, lack trust, are dishonest, try to take control of the relationship, may be smothering and express pressure in sexual situations. In an unhealthy relationship, one or both partners may be the problem, but no one is truly benefitting.
Daniels said knowing how to recognize unhealthy aspects of a relationship “gives us an opportunity to learn and grow and hopefully move that relationship to a place where it’s healthy or help us get to a position where we just step away from it.”
As for abusive relationships, WID said these involve abusive communication, disregarding feelings, accusations in the realm of trust, not taking responsibility for transgressions, controlling or isolating the other partner and forcing sexual activity.
Remaining in an abusive relationship can be traumatizing and dangerous to your well-being, but it isn’t always as simple as leaving. For anyone who is concerned that they are in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, there are resources on the national, local and campus levels. National organizations include the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, loveisrespect and Stalking Prevention and Resource Center. Local resource are Women in Distress and the Nancy J. Cotterman Center. On campus, students can reach out to Henderson counseling, the psychological services at the Maltz Psychology Building and the Title IX department.
Check on the status of your relationship with handouts at www.loveisrespect.org/resources/download-materials/.
