We all hear what our peers say about their parents or caregivers all the time. Sometimes, you might wonder whether your relationship with your family is “normal,” but really what’s considered “normal” is relative. Instead, there are a few psychologically-based perspectives which explain general patterns in caregiving relationships and what those might mean for your mental health. NSU student counselor Jeanevra Pearson explained a bit more about these and left a little advice along with her knowledge.
Parenting styles
Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents or guardians are those who tend to have rigid values and beliefs which, according to Pearson, they may project onto their children. Even with the best of intentions, their narrow worldview can sometimes conflict with beliefs their child may begin to develop as they grow into an adult. If not rectified, these attitudes may leave a developing person feeling unsupported, along with other manifestations Pearson identified such as low self-esteem, low self-efficacy and increased anxiety.
Authoritative
People who raise children with an authoritative style still raise their children based on their own traditions and beliefs, but they do this with an attitude that “however, whomever and whatever turns up in [their children’s lives], they’ll support them even though they may not agree.” Children raised in this manner tend to grow up to have a higher sense of autonomy, self-trust and level of differentiation, meaning their mental health is balanced based on a healthy sense of perspective.
Permissive
Then, there’s the permissive guardian, which Pearson described as “the cool parent [who is] too much of a friend.” These figures don’t so much guide their children as coddle them, leading to “privileged ideals [that] become the basis for those children.” In other words, people raised this way might have a more difficult time managing when they face problems they don’t know how to solve.
Attachment styles
Secure
If a child has a secure attachment to their guardians, he or she feels comfortable relying on them. Pearson said this may relate to the sense of balance achieved by authoritative parenting.
Avoidant/Anxious
Children with preoccupied attachment styles have a high sense of anxiety and tend to have low self-esteem, putting a lot of pressure on relationships. This is associated with authoritarian parenting.
Ambivalent
Children with this kind of attachment do not feel secure in their needs being fulfilled even when their guardians are around due to inconsistency. When it comes to this style, developing adults may feel discomfort at the prospect of intimacy
Disorganized
If a person has disorganized attachment, they typically have a difficult time trusting in relationships. As children, their needs went unmet, so as adults, they want security but do not know how to approach it.
What now
If you are experiencing conflict related to attachment or family relationships, Pearson advised that your first step should be to see a counselor.
She said, “[Students] understand that there’s a lot of stigma and stereotypes around mental health, but if your tooth hurts, you go to the dentist. If your back hurts, you go to the chiropractor. If something is happening internally from your emotional perspective, and it’s beyond the normal level, how come we don’t reach out?”
As a second step, Pearson suggested sitting down and listing out what expectations you have regarding your problems. Then, “go through them and explore who, what, when, where, why.” That, is, investigate where your beliefs and values have come from — yourself or your guardians — and what you agree with or want to build on.
Pearson closed with, “We look outside of ourselves for so many answers, and the answers truly are within.”
