The following is a satirical piece. This means that this piece is full of humor, exaggeration, irony and other techniques to create a ridiculous story. This piece is purely entertaining and not meant to be taken seriously under any circumstances. This piece does not reflect the views of the writer, Nova Southeastern University or the Current as a whole. With this in mind, please enjoy.
Anything written down, God (if you believe one exists), any character with plot armor and Pokémon all have something in common; they are all eternal. For years mankind has sought the answer to reversing the one thing that affects us all: aging. Through the conquest of age, mankind would have eternal life. Through the many years of the Earth’s existence, a myth arose known as the fountain of youth. Many adventurers left their family and even their children to quench their thirst in the mysterious waters that remained hidden for so long. Now in the time of smartphones and crunch berries, we have finally found it. With no one looking for it, it revealed itself… or did it?
Have you ever met anyone here at school that looks so young but is actually way older? Have you ever had the feeling that someone was lying about their age? Have you ever met someone who forgot their age? Could all this point towards a hidden society of immortals? This could all be possible with the fountain of youth. Yes, hidden in plain sight, the mystical water that grants eternal youth and possibly immortality is the very same water that courses through the Shark Fountain. Now you may be wondering, how the heck did this discovery even come about?
It all started as a fun exercise with fellow students. We were looking each other up on a website that gave information about who you are. When we searched for one of our coworkers, it was found out that she was 128 years old. I was shocked, I could not believe it. She looked like and claimed that she was 19. Little did we know that she was only a student here at NSU to stay close to the fountain. How many more immortals are posing as students to stay close to the Fountain? Now that we know this exists, should we too, become immortals? Why was this hidden for so long and why was it not spoken about freely? I think the first things we need are answers.
This Fountain could be humanity’s savior or the destruction of all we know. This is the kind of resource that wars are waged over. Maybe that is why it was hidden for so long. Who are we to deny the fountain to others? With something so rare and special, we need to be smart about distribution. I am sure the secret society that found it will try to defend themselves and say it does not exist. We must press forward and decide what to do as a community and nation. Most importantly, however, is the question of whether there are side effects to eternal life.
I have a list of suspicious students and faculty that I believe have drank from the Fountain. One such person exhibits no rational thoughts and treats everything as a challenge. Could these be the side effects of immortality? I will continue to conduct research and I will keep you, my loyal readers, updated, but for now it is just a theory… a Shark theory.
