The following is a satirical piece, meaning that this piece is full of humor, exaggeration, irony and other techniques to create a ridiculous story. This piece is purely entertaining and not meant to be taken seriously under any circumstances. This piece does not reflect the views of the writer, Nova Southeastern University or The Current as a whole. With this in mind, please enjoy.
This past week, an NSU staff member has done what most scientists would consider impossible: perfecting the genome. Professor Upton O’Goode, a faculty member at the Almost College of Unnatural Sciences and Accounting, made history by fusing human genes with that of goats and some water from a fish tank in the University Center. This concoction of DNA and fish water when injected into O’Goode’s goats produced creatures with unrivaled intelligence and power.
According to O’Goode, “The goats are perfectly healthy, and in even better condition than before the treatment. The only side effects were nausea, vomiting, fatigue, psychosis, catatonia, obsessive urges, depression, hearing loss, aversion to birds, sudden interest in bovines, death, speaking in tongues, unpredictable episodes of levitation, dizziness, loss of fine motor control and impaired vision.” Aside from these minor side effects, O’Goode said that the treatment is completely safe and ready for human trials.
The full extent of the goats’ physical and cognitive capacities is not known at the moment. However, O’Goode has research assistants testing the goats nonstop using a wide variety of intelligence tests, Buzzfeed quizzes, personality measures and birth charts.
“We started this experiment with the campus geese as subjects… but that did not turn out well. It worked, but at what cost? They were too powerful, and so hungry. Eventually they were contained, and we only lost a few interns.” he said.
O’Goode assured a staff member from The Current that the geese pose no threat as long as they are contained. When asked about what the geese would do if they escaped, O’Goode began to cry profusely before assuming the fetal position in a corner. At that point, the representative from The Current walked out of the room slowly, careful not to startle O’Goode any further. As The Current’s representative left O’Goode, one of the goats, the self-proclaimed leader of the colony, entered O’Goode’s office followed by two hazy-eyed graduate students. It is possible that the goat was controlling the graduate students, but there was no definitive link between the goat and their condition. Following this interaction, the representative from The Current was ushered out of the building by one of O’Goode’s research assistance who stated, “This is all normal. The goats know what they are doing. Dr. O’Goode is completely safe. This is none of your concern.”
The Current reached out to O’Goode over email for further comment on both the condition of the graduate students and the state of his experiment, but only received an audio file of what seems to be various screams from a goat and O’Goode. We at The Current are optimistic and wish O’Goode the best with his goats.
