The following is a satirical piece, meaning that this piece is full of humor, exaggeration, irony and other techniques to create a ridiculous story. This piece is purely entertaining and not meant to be taken seriously under any circumstances. This piece does not reflect the views of the writer, Nova Southeastern University or The Current as a whole. With this in mind, please enjoy.
The Current has held a long standing as Nova Southeastern University’s premier source of current, please mind the pun, news. However, due to unforeseen circumstances regarding a feline overthrow of university administration or nigh-omnipotent goat uprising, The Current feels as though it is time for a rebranding. Moving forward, The Current, now The Outdated, will only focus on old and repetitive news. No longer will The Current be Nova Southeastern University’s premier source of current, please mind the pun, news.
Instead, according to the uneditor in chief of The Outdated, “No news is good news. So, it is time to just do that. We are not going to cover any new news. There is just so much news that we cannot cover all of it, so we’ll only be covering old news. Are people even reading it, anyways? Check out our latest article, ‘President Franklin Roosevelt dies of brain hemorrhage.’ Or don’t check it out, we’ll be covering that story for the next few months.”
The Current’s rebranding as The Outdated will cause a drastic change to paper’s editing process as well as their writing and design style. Moving forward, The Current’s website will no longer be updated. Instead, copies of The Outdated will be written in green crayons “borrowed” from preschools in the area. These hand-drawn papers will be crumbled up and launched out of t-shirt cannons in the UC. Additionally, The Outdated will no longer use AP style, the industry standard for journalistic writing. The Outdated has created their own style, which they call “106-degree eldritch fever style.” This unique style “combines the eldritch ramblings of a madman with the mind-numbing effects of a high life-threatening fever to create a reading experience reminiscent of having a stroke,” said a representative from The Outdated.
If any students are interested in covering breaking news at NSU, The Outdated has asked that they do not contact them. If students are interested in writing nonsensical pieces that induce intense fever dreams on par with Alice and Wonderland, they should come to The Outdated’s meetings under the Parker building every fifteenth Tuesday.
