All damsels in distress beware; you will be swept off your feet. Just wait for the cute gladiator to ride in on a white horse to rescue your honor.
It all happened in the new movie “Pompeii.” Every clichéd second, every out of place dialogue and every love struck glance was caught on camera by Paul W.S. Anderson, director of “Resident Evil.”
The whole time I kept thinking, “When will Mount Vesuvius erupt?” I was waiting for the real action to start, since nothing else was going on.
Set around 79 A.D., Cassia, played by Emily Browning, the daughter of a prominent Roman citizen and Milo, played by Kit Harington, an enslaved gladiator, meet on the way to Pompeii. One of the horses pulling the carriage falls to the ground in pain and spent. Milo puts the animal out of his misery by way of a quick death. Cassia is surprised by his strength and compassion.
I know I always swoon at the sight of a mercy killing. Is this a little romance foreshowing perhaps? Cassia seems uninterested, but the Celtic gladiator, Milo, is different from the other elite Roman males because he is kind to horses and makes her feel safe. I’m sure the fact that his abs could grate cheese had nothing to do with her crush. Insert eye roll here, please.
One conversation later and the rest is history. Literally. After a very predictable dialogue revealing how displeased Cassia is with wealth and Roman privilege, their romance is complete. Remind you of another movie? “Titanic,” maybe? The complaining rich girl who falls for poor men is a little too over done for my taste. At least make her struggle with her love for a man unworthy of her station in life.
Have I mentioned the token antagonist with no redeeming qualities? Kiefer Sutherland plays Senator Corvus, an obvious sleeze-ball, who has his eye on Cassia, and is much more powerful than the lowly, Celtic gladiator. I wonder how this will end. With a fight to the death for Cassia’s affection? But, of course. His performance was commendable, but then how hard is it to play a one-dimensional character? Not hard at all.
Be on the lookout for the one character that will keep you somewhat interested. Atticus, played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, is a fellow enslaved gladiator alongside Milo. They quickly become “brothers” partly because they understand each other’s plights, but mostly because the movie is only one hour and 38 minutes, so there isn’t much time for long, overdrawn bromances. Nevertheless, Akinnuoye-Agbaje gave the best performance out of everyone; strong, understated, and very little dialogue. Less opportunity to annoy everyone with horrific writing. Spoiler alert: watch out for his solute to Malcom X before he meets his ultimate demise.
B-list actors fumbling their way through contemporary, non-cockney, British accents is enough to make anyone vomit. This is even more nauseating because Pompeii is in Italy, so they would’ve spoken Latin, not modern English. I understand that this movie is meant for a contemporary, American audience, but the lack of any attempt at historical truth is disconcerting. At least throw in some Latin phrases.
Testosterone is the main draw to “Pompeii,” which is cool if you are looking for a movie with no substance and hugely buff guys with six packs. The choreographed fight sequences are cool if you’re into watching hot men flex their muscles in perfect timing with the camera, which I am, of course.
However, there were more six packs in “Pompeii” than Pompeii. The film producers missed the opportunity to show a recreated version of Pompeii in all of its glory. At least in “Titanic,” you saw the actual Titanic.
The ground rumbles. The ashes fall, and the movie turns into chaos, which is a nice reprieve. I know this movie is loosely based on the tragedy of Pompeii, but the clichéd method of ending a known historical event was disappointing. Of course Milo runs to save his new salvation and Cassia is in desperate need of his bravery. Of course he pulls and pushes her out of the way of lava bombs. Of course they have an overly dramatic make out session.
Having said all this, I want to see it again, and again, and again, waiting to watch it get worse. I love really bad movies, and “Pompeii” fits the category perfectly. I loved every horrible minute of it. There is this weird fascination with bad movies that people like. Okay maybe not a lot of people, but some. Or maybe just me. There is something about bad acting mixed with awkward dialogue that makes me happy. It’s like eating pepperoni pizza with chocolate mousse cake for dessert. It’s so good while you’re eating it, but it leaves you feeling sick, run down and, ultimately, regretful. And, really, who doesn’t love that feeling?
