Florida is officially under a tropical storm party warning as Tropical Storm Juanita gains strength in the Atlantic. The National Hurricane Center has cast the entire sunshine state into a frenzy as Floridians, North and South alike, prepare for the party of the century.
The warning means that residents should expect heavy rain, a brief outage of electricity, a mass exodus of FPL help-line employees and record-long lines at every gas station, grocery store and liquor store from Tallahassee to Miami.
Here’s the five-day forecast put out by the Hurricane Center:
Day One – Wednesday
Mild showers, brief thunderstorms around midday and a torrential downpour of panic from the senior citizens in communities in Boca Raton. Phone lines will be tied up, as residents ages 60 and over call their grown children and grandchildren in the Northeast to remind them of their last will and testament, to eat their vegetables and to say their prayers every night. In the Southernmost regions of Florida, liquor stores will begin taping up their “discount” signs, marking up bottles of tequila by about 10 percent.
Day Two – Thursday
Liquor stores will be out of tequila, and thunderstorms will increase. Flash flood warnings throughout Broward and Miami-Dade County will excite public school teachers, and children will nearly pee themselves with anticipation after throwing away their half-complete book reports. Parents will be contacting babysitters, writing up guest lists and comparing their barbeque grills to their neighbors’ superior grills for the upcoming tropical storm party.
Day Three – Friday
Heavy wind and rain will provoke cursing from South Florida dads who spent hours cleaning out the gutters last week and will have to scoop out all the dead leaves again in a few days. North Florida moms will be lining every windowsill with jumbo candles from Home Depot, restocking their pantries with canned beans and forbidding their kids to go outside, while South Florida moms will have finished their second bottle of wine while their kids run around naked in the rain and chase passing debris. Maximum wind speed will be sustained at 50 mph.
Day Four – Saturday
Tropical storm parties will commence at approximately 11:30 a.m., beginning with a period of calm and clear skies immediately fogged up by smoke from barbeque grills in every South Florida backyard. Good Christian families in every small town of North Florida will quake and shiver at the period of eerily good weather and await the impending apocalypse as they pray to the Lord Almighty. At approximately 4 p.m., heavy rain, gusty winds of 60 mph and thunderstorms will resume, chasing the parties indoors. “Emergency” tequila will be shared with those in need, while grandparents will make a trip to the bank to withdraw all of their savings. The parties will end when the electricity briefly times out and is quickly restored by a Home Depot portable generator, and families will return home to sit silently in the dark and use their iPhones until their batteries die. All homeowner’s propane tanks will have failed to work, except those bought at Home Depot.
Day Five – Sunday
Rain and wind will steadily decrease until a sudden sunny sky, accompanied by the sounds of an angelic choir, will dissipate the storm. The warning is estimated to be lifted at approximately 6:30 p.m., as Juanita transitions into a tropical depression. Children throughout Broward and Miami-Dade County will be digging through the trash for their book reports.
The Center advises Florida residents to continually check the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) website for updates to the forecast and to be on standby to repeat the entire shebang in about ten days. The Center would also like to reassure residents that Home Depot does not fund their research and did not sponsor this report.
