Fall is to pumpkin spice, as Romeo is to Juliet. The two are inseparable and share an unbreakable bond that one must never forego.
If it does not come in pumpkin spice, it must not be consumed in fall. It is inexcusable and unpatriotic to not consume as much pumpkin spice as possible for the next two months. In fact, foods that are not traditionally pumpkin spiced must either be converted or completely discarded.
Clearly, the rest of the population envies coffee lovers, as they are afforded so many more opportunities to consume pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice lattes, an espresso with a shot of pumpkin spice and pumpkin spice teas are just a few items that these pumpkin spice powerhouses advertise for fall. However, what about the non-coffee lovers?
Never fear; supermarkets and restaurants are here! Mainstream stores finally understand what Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have always known ― pumpkin spice is the fabric of society in fall. Supermarkets have done their research and have concluded that every human being is a fan of pumpkin spice. Therefore, offering foods that carry a lovely bright orange label with the most artistic interpretation of a pumpkin is not only the right thing to do, but also the only thing to do. Once-colorful aisles must now become a sea of bright orange and be filled with the cinnamon-y aroma that one never gets tired of.
A standing ovation is also due for those restaurants that have “seasonal menus.” No need to be coy; just call it what it is ― “the pumpkin spice alternative to everything we usually have.” Most people enjoy a thick cut of sirloin steak, lightly seasoned with herbs and spices, with a side of mash and a tall glass of fresh strawberry lemonade, but in fall, that will not suffice. Instead, a thick cut of sirloin steak must be glazed with pumpkin spice syrup, traditional mash will morph into sweet potato mash with pumpkin spice seasoning, and that tall glass of strawberry lemonade must now take a backseat to the delectable pumpkin spice soda. Now that supermarkets and restaurants have caught the trend, it is time for pumpkin spice, like the Roman Empire, to expand into new territories.
This is not obscene at all; pumpkin spice must be duplicated and pumped into as many products as possible before fall ends. Pumpkin spiced food is traditional, but pumpkin spice perfumes, colognes, hand sanitizers, soaps, shampoos, clothes, chap sticks and anything else you can think of are pure genius.
Bath & Body Works is at the forefront of this revolution. It seems the company has an influx of pumpkin spice ingredients this fall, and everyone loves pumpkin spice, so, obviously, pumpkin spice must be incorporated into as many scents and lotions as possible. Truthfully speaking, no scent is more alluring than that of a jack-o-lantern that was bathed in grandma’s finest ground cinnamon.
To merely consume pumpkin spice was an honor in itself. Now everyone can smell like it too! The excitement and joy that this brings is inexplicable. For the next couple of months, hands will be sanitized, leaving an aroma of warmth and pumpkin spice lingering in the fall air. Pick-up lines will change from “Wow, is that some horrendously overpriced perfume you’re wearing?” to “Wow, did you just fall from heaven and land in a pumpkin field? Because you smell divine.” Clearly, the latter will get ladies blushing faster than a Mexican realizes he hates Donald Trump.
Do not deny it; smelling like pumpkin spice is the reason why you are in a relationship right now. Okay, so you might have a great personality, but that is never enough. Brad and Angelina are not together because she has a great personality ― how pathetic would that be! Just in case you missed the memo, scientific research shows that women who are single year-round find their soul mates in fall. The answer is simple: in fall, due to high pumpkin spice consumption, women start releasing pumpkin spice pheromones. Like bees to honey, the men flock to these pumpkin-spice-pheromone-releasing women. Finally, an honest and reasonable answer to our 21st century dating dilemmas.
Unfortunately, some cursed souls out there are allergic to anything pumpkin spiced, and at one point in time, they would have been ostracized from society for not being able to partake in this ritualistic devotion to pumpkin spice. However, we are no longer living in the middle ages, and a measly allergic reaction is nothing the great thinkers of our time cannot solve. For these unfortunate souls, antihistamines are key. Pumpkin spice antihistamines are so important that even the conservatives agree that Obamacare should provide it. Only something as monumental as pumpkin spice antihistamines could ever get the conservatives to agree with democrats.
Pumpkin spice politics, pumpkin spice food, pumpkin spice dating and now even pumpkin spice fashion. Orange is definitely the new black! The fashion industry is pumping out everything pumpkin for fall. Fashion’s biggest magazine, Vogue, is having their special “Pumpkin Pie or Die” issue coming out this fall. The issue features death row prisoners because, in our pumpkin spice frenzy, those normally unflattering bright orange jumpsuits are the envy of every major fashion designer. Tom Ford, Gucci and even smaller brands like H&M and Forever 21, have all started to replicate the bright orange ensembles in honor of the pumpkin spice season. For some reason, dressing like a convict is not appealing outside of fall. Go figure!
As the great Donald Trump once said, “Make America great again!” By America, he means everyone who is male, white and has over five million dollars in their bank account, and by great, he means everything pumpkin spice. Do not disappoint Donald and be a good citizen. Let us make this country great again by asking the monumental question before every decision we make, “Does that come in Pumpkin Spice?”
