Remember when you were a kid, and your teachers told you that you could be president one day? It’s true. The American people are currently holding auditions for their new leader, and we want you to try out. It’s not too late to compete with roughly thirty other individuals for the coveted title of commander-in-chief. Interested? Read on for more information on how to become a contestant.
Who should audition:
Worried that you aren’t fit to be the country’s next great leader? Don’t be. The standards for American leaders have dropped drastically within the last few decades. Whereas in the past, honest and experienced leaders ran for president, like good old Washington and Jefferson, today, the main requirement for candidacy is money. That’s right, as long as you’re well-funded, you shouldn’t have too much trouble joining the race.
Although you may hold an office position, you don’t have to have any political experience either. Strong opinions and a lack of respect for your opponents are all that’s really needed to make a successful candidate in this race. Just look at Donald Trump, a current front-runner for the Republican Party.
The process:
Don’t fret, the competition isn’t quite as steep as it sounds. Before the real race begins, you’ll have to survive the preliminary rounds, also known as primaries. To start, declare your allegiance to one of the two political parties spotlighted in the campaign. Don’t worry, it doesn’t really matter which one you choose because neither side works together. Once you pick a side, you’ll want to advertise yourself to the public as much as possible in order to “sell” yourself to earn votes from American citizens. The best way to do this is to never directly answer a question and emphasize just how much you love America.
Outrageously oversimplified solutions to complex problems are always a hit. You also might benefit from trying to humiliate and belittle your opponents who are trying to run for president even if they are on your “side.” Always argue that your ideas are better than someone else’s, even if they are as similar as let’s say, the women’s rights views of Hilary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. If you win the preliminary voting, then you and one individual from another team will go head-to-head in the finals.
The official presidential race:
Once you’ve made it to the finals, it’ll be up to you to win back all the people you alienated trying to win the preliminary rounds. It’ll entail a lot of backtracking and denying of statements you clearly said only a few months prior. But don’t worry, those you previously defeated during the primaries will all rally to your defense during the months leading up to the final elections.
You’ll have to dilute some of those strong opinions you needed to become a candidate to make yourself seem more reasonable than your opponent. This shouldn’t be too difficult, though, because news coverage usually only covers one isolated aspect of a single debate or event. And it’s usually over something trivial like a snide comment made about your outfit, especially if you’re a woman. Don’t forget to tear down your opponent as much as possible in order to prove that you love America more. Hopefully, you’ll be able to rack up enough votes in each state to become the next President of the United States.
The 2012 Election was one of the best mud-slinging, issue-avoiding campaigns in American history, but the 2015-2016 campaign season promises to be twice as entertaining. This is a wonderful opportunity to serve your country and master your skills of persuasion. Apply today to join some of the wealthiest and most out-spoken individuals of the century. Do you have what it takes to compete with them? Do you have what it takes to become the next President of the United States? Don’t worry. Neither do your opponents.
