The fall season marks absolutely no change in weather for SoFloridians, except for short, dry, cold spells in which it may or may not dip into the 50s outside. For the rest of the fall, the temperature stubbornly refuses to drop below 80 degrees.
While northerners avoid the cold at all costs ― by staying indoors and layering up before going out ― the SoFloridian is absolutely fascinated by 50- and 60-degree weather, putting on his speedo and basking in the temporary reprieve from the sun’s incessant glare. Where does he enjoy this weather? Why, at the beach, of course.
Water parks may shut down until summer makes its official return ― but it never really leaves, does it? For the SoFloridian will find his way to the beach or pool regardless of the characteristic two-degree drop in temperature that constitutes the fall season.
While the northern states brace themselves for the onset of winter by bringing out the winter jackets, coats and parkas, SoFloridians take more and more layers off and continue with their ritualistic pool and beach-going, which Northerners cannot understand. They think, “How are bikinis sufficient clothing for autumn?”
Proximity to water is necessary to establish acceptable mating grounds for SoFloridians; males and females scope each other out for the best tanned body, the skimpiest bikini or washboard abs, the strongest volleyball spike. Only the strong survive, producing stronger children who go on and continue the tradition of wearing barely any clothes during autumn.
Shorts, tanks and flip flops ― this is what the SoFloridian wears year-round in his tropical habitat. It’s absolutely fascinating; he molts his clothes instead of bulking up and has no inclination of what “hibernation” is. Because of his propensity to do without clothes instead of adding more, the search for an adequate jacket for the possibility of below-80-degree weather is nearly impossible. South Florida stores put out their finest winter coats, overcompensating at the first mention of fall. These coats, often lined with either faux or genuine fur, are simply too hot for the SoFloridian to wear during the supposedly chilly season.
Northerners begin to shake out their winter attire, while the duck-shaped inner tube continues his yearlong 9-to-5 job for the SoFloridian, the poor creature. The symbiotic relationship between the two is strictly parasitic; the SoFloridian benefits at the expense of the overworked, ring-shaped fowl.
SoFloridians love fall-themed drinks such as the pumpkin spice latte and the ubiquitous hot chocolate; however, those in the southernmost parts of Florida much prefer to chug mimosas, piña coladas, wine coolers and Corona, a healthy diet for the warm-blooded equatorial species.
The creeping frost spreads across the north, while South Florida remains completely unaffected by the “change” in season. Any SoFloridian will tell you that the only seasons in SoFlo are wet and dry; “fall” is nothing more than a title. The names of the months may change, but summer persists, providing the perfect backdrop for year-long outdoor activities.
