Incoming reports from last week show that this was the most successful Black Friday to date, with the most aggressive shoppers thus far.
When you heard the sirens, you knew what time it was. Those that weren’t hardcore shoppers knew it was time to gather their loved ones and take cover. Streets were pitch-black and the only lights that could be seen were the ones beaming from the crowded stores.
At 5 a.m., many people dressed in disguise and left their homes to participate in Black Friday, and none of them returned home the same.
“I participate in the Black Friday event every year,” Ana Miller said. “It’s the only time of year that I won’t get penalized for violently pushing a fellow shopper down an escalator at the mall.”
It has been reported that there were over 60 cases of pushing and violent trampling in the Aventura Mall alone.
“They stole my cart,” Michelle Sanders said. “I turned my back for one second, and all of my hard work this Black Friday was gone.”
Theft and other acts of violence rapidly increase during the annual Black Friday. Children need to stay indoors, or they risk becoming hostage victims forced to hold their kidnapper’s place in line.
People can be seen knocking down house doors and breaking into garages trying to steal their neighbors’ SUVs and trucks so that they can have more trunk space to carry their new merchandise home.
Just know that if you choose not to participate, you can still find yourself a victim of Black Friday rage. A message was sent out from President Obama himself regarding the issue.
“Folks, if you do not participate in Black Friday, I suggest you protect yourself by staying indoors. Do not call 911, and do not expect help. Michelle and I will be catching the sale at J. Crew. Sales will not come to us if we wait for some other day or some other time. These are the sales we have been waiting for. We must act accordingly.”
Immediately after President Obama’s message to the nation, sirens were heard all around the U.S., and Morgan Freeman’s voice resonated from the White house to South Beach.
“The annual Black Friday will now commence,” he said.
After a house intrusion we spoke to the victims and this is what they had to say.
“I was locked up in a secret room with my family, when all of a sudden the doorbell rang,” John Carrington said. “I told my family to be quiet, but before I could silence them, I heard my front door being opened.”
Carrington’s 14-year-old son let the stranger into his home. Apparently, he was running away from some Black Friday participants that were chasing him for his Walmart coupons.
Carrington’s son said that he does not see why we have Black Friday; the violence is uncalled for.
His father quickly responded, “I know that this is difficult to understand at your age, but Black Friday allows people a release for all the hatred and violence and aggression that they keep up inside them all year.”
Carrington said the only reasons he does not participate in Black Friday is because he knows how vicious it can be, and he cannot stand the thought of his children not having a father.
For those of you who survived yet another Black Friday, kudos to you. Those who did not, may your souls rest in peace and your coupons be valid for next year. This holiday season, let’s remember all the good Black Friday does.
