The Huffington Post reported that the annual WIN/Gallup International Association global end-of-the-year survey found that Colombia is the happiest country of the world with 87 percent of Colombian participants answering that they were happy with their lives.
A arbitrary and non-partisan research and polling company conducted a survey of 80,445 people from 65 countries and found that the most miserable country in the world is — drum roll, please — the U.S.
The survey, conducted between November 2015 and December 2015, asked participants whether they were “satisfied,” “miserable” or “neither satisfied nor miserable,” and an overwhelming majority of U.S. citizens — 92 percent — said that they were “miserable.”
The remaining 8 percent remained indifferent.
The survey asked participants to indicate which aspects of society, if any, made them feel “satisfied” or “miserable.” Nearly all of the U.S. citizens ― 96 percent and 98 percent, respectively ― who were surveyed said the imminent threat of death by gun-related violence and Chick-fil-A’s Monday through Saturday business hours made them feel “miserable.”
The 96 percent is shocking considering that only 147 people died because of gun-related activity within the first four days of 2016 in the U.S., according to Vocativ, a media and tech company. But if the numbers stay consistent, by the end of this year, more than 13,000 people will have died because of guns, so at least the U.S. will be number one in that regard. God bless America.
51 percent of U.S. citizens surveyed said they were miserable “because Obama is leaving office.” Interestingly, 49 percent said Obama leaving office made them feel “satisfied.” 51 percent also said Trump’s bid for presidency made them feel miserable, and one participant emphasized his or her complete, utter, despondent abjection at the Republican candidate’s joke of a campaign.
“Please save us,” the participant wrote.
Other contributors to U.S. citizens’ degree of misery include the widespread and unnecessary coverage of the antics of the Kardashians and Jenners, not getting enough likes on Instagram, politicians’ refusal to address issues such as homelessness, women’s rights, tax breaks for the rich and weed legality, the depressing output of the Dallas Cowboys, watching Leonardo DiCaprio almost kill himself for an Oscar, rampant meme usage, Twitter savagery and Chipotle’s downfall.
No other country came even close to the U.S. in terms of miserableness. The runner-up, Canada, came in at 2 percent “miserable,” and the Canadian Prime Minister announced in response to the results of the survey that those who responded “miserable” were probably afflicted with the knowledge that some of the worst artists of the century — including but not limited to Carly Rae Jepsen, Nickelback and Justin Bieber — are Canadian. The 2 percent did indeed express displeasure with their country’s contribution, or lack thereof, to the music industry.
President Obama has yet to suggest a plan to make U.S. citizens happier. Thanks, Obama.
