This just in: a herd of spring breakers broke out of the Jungle Island Zoo here in Miami and are reportedly on their way to Daytona Beach. We advise you to stay indoors, gather your loved ones, and wait out the commotion.
Apparently, a zoo employee was about to give the spring breakers their daily feeding of booze and burgers when one spring breaker trampled him and stole the keys to the cage. The rest of the group trampled the worker, who wishes to remain nameless, as they frantically escaped. Before leaving the zoo, the spring breakers raided the food storage and took all of the remaining booze.
Security attempted to stop the crazed spring breakers from escaping, but were highly unsuccessful. In a last-ditch effort, the police arrived at the front of the zoo and asked the spring breakers to halt and put their hands up. Each spring breaker, hands full of beverages, looked at the cops and charged. The leader of the pack stood 6’2 and was barefoot and chiseled. Running on all fours, he jumped on top of a police car, raised a beer to his head, and screamed “This is college,” as he beat one fist on his chest.
Animal cruelty laws prevented the cops from using harsh force on the spring breakers, so they fled the scene. No major injuries have been reported; however, several car dealerships are missing their Jeep Wranglers, and Sam’s Club reported that their Nathan’s hot dogs are missing.
The owner of the zoo said, in a statement, “After no zoo in Florida would keep the spring breakers, I thought this would be a challenge that would triple my revenue. This species is distinct in nature, and it is so hard to get up close to them in their natural habitat, the beach. Keeping them here at the zoo meant that people from all over could see the species do its everyday rituals of beer pong and belly flops into the manmade beach we provided them with. I never once thought they would lose control.”
You know we like to hit you with the news first, so when my studio got word that the spring breakers were heading to Daytona, we packed up the news van and hit the road. Before we knew it, we were in a car chase alongside local police, animal control, the Humane Society and Budweiser. When we arrived at Daytona Beach, the spring breakers were in full spring-break mode. It had been exactly six years since they had been in their natural habitat, and the ferocious mammals were homesick.
The spring breakers were chugging booze and flinging Frisbees, and the alpha male was in the middle of crowd surfing. To top it all off, Budweiser began flinging beers to the already aggressively drunk spring breakers. That was a huge mistake. Instantly, the alpha fell from his reign at the hand of a police officer who shot him with a tranquilizer. The rest of the pack was in uproar, and they began intensely playing beer pong, their ultimate defense. The police had to think fast and, as back up, called in a SWAT team to take the beastly pack down.
The next thing we knew, the pack lied unconscious in the back of the animal control vehicle, and back to the zoo they went. Sources said that the spring breakers are now back in their second home, the Jungle Island Zoo, but, this time, under high surveillance and security. You should have done that the first time, Miami — you had to learn the hard way, like usual. On the bright side, although this was a major scare, no spring breakers or civilians were hurt during the outbreak.
So, you already know, it’s your girl Robin signing out. For video clips of the spring breakers, visit our website www.getyo411.com. Thanks for reading, guys, and tune in to the “411” blog for tomorrow’s topic: who Donald Trump’s hair stylist is and how he got a toupee to grow from Trump’s scalp.
