Seriously Kidding: College students prepare to survive nuclear war

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He’s done it again: He tested his science experiment enough to unsettle the sea of angry neighbors at his doorstep.

While the panic raged on, the loudmouth took his thoughts to Twitter. “Hostile and dangerous” were his words. Did that stop the science nerd? Not really.

This may have sounded like a college student’s average dorm life scenario, but don’t be fooled. As North Korea, the science nerd, continues to test nuclear bombs and ballistic missiles, the international community fears a global nuclear war. Our brave world leaders have already taken a stance to declare they have absolutely no clue what to do with North Korea. Instead, they will continue, in unison, to pose with smug superiority at news conferences (#Squadgoals).

This wave of fear has spread throughout the world and is now affecting the NSU community.

“How do we survive something like this? It’s like World War II all over again! Wait, was I even alive then?” said Michelle Jackson, senior art major.

As she pondered the question, ‘straight outta high-school’ college freshman Doc Dre added, “Yeah, those were scary times and I sure don’t want to relive it.”

At NSU, students continue to worry that the university is spending more money on transforming restaurants in the UC to serve high-quality food instead of funding the Stayin’ Alive Organization, a new nuclear war effort student union.

“We, as tuition-paying students, are entitled to underground shelters, not good food. Am I right?” Bee Gee, a spokesperson for Stayin’ Alive, explained.

Upon hearing the news of North Korea’s missile test, students and professors frantically ran around the school, looking for answers to the impending threat to nuclear war. History professor, Tommy Jefferson, offered some hope.

“Well, as history shows us, everyone is going to be blown up to bits and pieces if you all don’t figure this out,” said Jefferson.

As the university finalizes its plans to keep students safe, NSU representative Sharko DeWhite has taken the initiative to lay out some tips for students:

  1. Take the Shark Shuttle — or beg your commuter friend for a ride — and go to the nearest home improvement store. Gather a shovel, plaster, bricks – and really anything you think you might need.
  1. Dig a hole in your dorm room that you can fit into along with your MCAT test prep book and your roommates, if you like them.
  1. Watch an underground bomb-shelter how-to on Youtube and try to copy each step.
  1. Finally, cross your fingers that YouTube videos combined with your construction abilities will help withstand nuclear bombs.

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