Seriously Kidding: Investigation proves White House Economic Adviser Gary Cohn is actually from a different planet

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It didn’t take much for Leonardo Averagio, NSU doctoral student in the College of Common Sense, to realize what he found — after all he had been studying it for years. As he sat and watched a press conference on Sept. 28 where White House Economic Adviser Gary Cohn discussed the baseline for President Trump’s new tax plan, he knew that there was no way this man was from planet Earth.

Oddly enough, this inclination had little to do with the actual cuts and changes discussed by Cohn.

“Yeah, I mean I think the plan is a crock load but that’s not what set me off,” said Averagio.

Instead, it was the fact that Cohn thinks the average American family makes $100,000 a year that made Averagio do a double take.

“Was he talking about monopoly money?” Averagio wondered.

That was strike one. Strike two? Cohn claimed that with $1,000 dollars a family could remodel their kitchen or buy a new car.

“That was it for me,” said Averagio. “No one could get THAT good of a deal on a car…but Cohn seemed to genuinely believe the blatant lies he was telling, so I decided to call in my suspicion.”

Averagio called Lauren Nobul, chief investigative officer at the department of stuff-the government-doesn’t-want-to-tell-us-about, who he had interned with while pursuing his master’s degree. After a week of investigation, Nobul released documentation stating that Cohn is indeed an extraterrestrial being from a planet, with a set-up similar to that of the board game “Monopoly.”

“It sounds crazy, and I could go into the quantum mechanics of it, but just think of it this way,” said Nobul. “Cohn’s also a businessman on his home planet, which is literally like the game itself. And when he’s there, he gets money just by passing landmarks and he has no idea what it’s like to always land on the rent or tax squares.”

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Jenna Kopec is a junior communication major at NSU. She began as a contributing writer for The Current in 2015, became features editor in 2016 and is now co-editor-in-chief.

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