Tyra Brown is the graduate assistant for Student Mediation Services. She is also a Ph.D. candidate in the Department of Conflict Analysis and Resolution in the Graduate School of Humanities and Social Sciences.
Can you imagine a world — even a day for that matter — with no stress, no worries, and no conflict? Utopia, right? A place where one can truly “keep calm and carry on,” no matter the situation or circumstance. I suppose this is possible in any place with a population of well, one.
On the other hand, living, learning and working with others in an academic environment creates a diverse and complex social landscape ripe for conflict. Each of us brings different perspectives, beliefs, values and ways we see each other and the world. While difference does not always mean difficulty, when coupled with strong feelings or passionately held positions, it can bring about conflict.
Conflict is more than simply a disagreement, argument or opposing viewpoints. Neil Katz, professor in the Department of Conflict Analysis and Resolution in the Graduate School of Humanities and Social Sciences, describes conflict as “a struggle expressed between two or more individuals that involves strong emotion and a perceived blockage to needs or values” in his book “Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills.” For example, if one roommate feels he/she cannot get rest or study time in their room because of the other roommate, it may be perceived that that roommate and his or her actions are blocking or keeping the other from doing well in class.
Conflicts that arise in relationships between friends, siblings, family, roommates, professors and co-workers are often the result of ineffective communication. Sometimes it is difficult to hear and understand one another when we feel hurt, disrespected or mistreated. When we try to communicate with another person while feeling strong emotion, sometimes what we say and how we say it can create barriers that cause the other person to misunderstand, reject or negatively respond to the message we were trying to convey. It may be hard to believe but in these situations conflict can be transformed into an opportunity to engage in open, honest conversation, share and clarify feelings, expectations and goals, and work toward mutually agreed upon outcomes. So how do we courageously confront conflict and turn it from a negative to a positive?
First, it’s important to have a win/win attitude and believe there is a way that the conflict can be resolved through compromise and collaboration. It is easy to see a conflict from a win/lose perspective, meaning if I do not get want I want that means I lose and the other person wins or vice versa. To change this, we must see the conflict not from our individual positions but from what is motivating our emotion or feeling about the situation. Our interests are underlying concerns or desires that once identified can be useful for brainstorming possible solutions that meet each person’s needs.
Second, finding ways to effectively communicate is critical in easing conflict. Expressing your thoughts and feelings without blaming or judging the other person will open up communication channels. Likewise, reflective listening is a great way to pay respectful attention to what the other person is saying and feeling. Communication skills are easy to learn but they do take practice. Here are a few tips.
Take a few moments to think before you speak. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself if you are ready and able to discuss the matter with the other person in an open, honest, respectful manner.
Don’t assume. If you are not sure someone’s action, behavior or words – ask them. It is important to give the other person the opportunity to clarify the purpose, intention or reason for their action.
Remember your goal. Is it to express yourself? Find an answer or solution? Resolve a problem? Restore trust or a relationship? Complete a project or task? Whatever it is, positively focus your attitude and words toward that end goal.
Conflict is inevitable, but the good news is that there are various ways to manage it. A wide range of conflict resolution services are available to deal with roommate disputes, struggles within an organization, or difficulty talking with your professor. There’s also one-on-one conflict coaching to help individual students work through an issue through self-reflection and assessment of useful conflict strategies.
Students can also work together through the mediation process. Mediation is an effective, confidential process that creates a safe, open space for parties to share their view of the conflict. A mediator serves as neutral, third party that assists the parties in finding a mutually agreed upon solution that meets their individual needs. Facilitation is another conflict resolution skill that helps teams and groups work more effectively together, through improved communication and collaboration, to achieve a project or goal.
This academic year promises new, exciting discoveries, opportunities, relationships and yes — maybe — some conflicts, but don’t worry. It is possible to conquer conflict by practicing some effective communication tips daily and seeking help from qualified conflict resolution specialists such as a mediator, facilitator or conflict coach.
