The traditional 1950s-esque patriarchal relationship in which a woman’s only allowed ambition was to be the perfect wife — a silent, submissive, beautiful shell of a person who waits on her husband hand and foot — is long gone. Or, is it?
When we analyze how far romantic relationships have come since the mid-20th century, it’s easy to assume that the patriarchy is dead. Women are free to, like men, do whatever makes them happy, even if that means straying away from the 1950s sitcom image of the perfect, cookie-cutter housewife. Even as a mother, it is now socially acceptable for women to pursue their professional passions and have their own financial independence. However, a patriarchal mentality creeps back into modern-day dating when a woman’s ambition, success and independence are treated as weaknesses, not strengths.
Dating as a millennial has a bad rep, and there’s an endless list of reasons that explain why. One common explanation, passionately touted by anti-feminists, blames all of today’s relationship woes on the prevalence of strong, independent women. In a sense, this sexist theory is correct, but only because their confidence, goals and independence are too progressive for men who are still attached to historically misogynistic conventions of traditional relationships.
According to a Housekeeping Monthly article titled “The Good Wife’s Guide,” published just 60 years ago, women were valued almost exclusively on their passivity, selflessness and appearance. Traditional marriages were not relationships based on love or mutual respect; they were a form of servitude based on the man’s wants, needs and desires and the woman’s ability to fulfill those needs. Women were expected to devote all of their energy into making their husbands’ lives easier and more pleasant by planning their meals a day in advance, getting all dressed up for their arrival and even offering to take their shoes off for them once they are all settled in after their long day at work. Women were expected to keep their mouths shut in times of disagreement and, regardless of the circumstance, never question their husband’s actions or judgment. Most importantly, women were expected to respect their husbands as “the master of the house” and “know their place.”
Of course, women have deviated significantly from strict gender roles over the decades. What hasn’t changed, regardless of how accepting our society is of professional women and working mothers, is the idea of the perfect wife. While financial stability, determination and strong leadership skills are admirable and practical traits, it’s commonly considered unattractive for women to possess these traits, especially for power-hungry, self-involved men. This is because a traditional patriarchal relationship is so much more desirable and convenient for a man than a relationship based on mutual respect. Frankly, who wouldn’t want a partner who waits on their beck and call, doesn’t talk back, lets them make all of the decisions and takes care of all of the chores for them so all they have to do is focus on their job? That is ultimate freedom. Women with ambition disrupt that freedom and create a power struggle because they produce original thoughts, they want their opinions respected, they want to share household responsibilities, and they have too much self-respect to constantly feed their husbands’ sensitive egos. Thus, strong and independent women are usually labeled as undateable, selfish, crazy, emotional monsters because they express their opinions and expect to be treated as an equal human being.
Obviously, marriages and relationships back in the day were much happier and more successful than present relationships because women never expected to be respected or treated equally. Today, gender roles are too arbitrary to match up with the traditional, misogynistic conventions that relationships were founded on. The most common conflicts in modern dating, ultimately, boil down to a battle between men who still want to be coddled and women who want nothing more than to be treated equally and respectfully. Maybe, if men finally stopped trying to fulfill their outdated, patriarchal fantasies and chose to be respectful, responsible, mature human beings who value female autonomy and personhood, millennial dating would be just a little less messed up.
