Satire: Iowa wants your children for its all-American Toddler Militia

Everyone might as well move to Iowa because parents can now groom their children into the polished sharpshooters of their dreams with the passage of a bill in late February.

It’s almost as if children weren’t already responsible for some unfortunate shooting deaths and injuries in 2015. Even without this legislation, toddlers still have access to guns, but lawmakers foresee that the bill will encourage parents to show them the in’s and out’s of their firearms.

“We want kids to understand guns before they learn the alphabet and how to use a toilet. And we’re hoping that this will actually cut down on gun-related deaths and injuries because of parental negligence,” a prominent Iowa representative said in a statement. “This forces parents to be accountable for teaching their children about the dangers of guns, and even how to properly use them under direct supervision, instead of making sure that they secure and properly conceal their weapons.”

Children will also be required to take classes on firearm assembly and target practice and undergo vigorous physical training to be a part of an experimental program called the Toddler’s Militia.

“I’m moving my family to Iowa, the best state in this country right now. We gotta take kids’ curiosity and do something with it,” said Denise Dolt, proud parent of a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. “Children under the age of 5 have a natural tendency to explore and play with everything. We gotta teach them not only gun safety but also how to handle these weapons in the event of a threat.”

Authorities will have the militia on standby and deploy it in extreme situations only, like lone-wolf mass shooters.

Stewie Pid, who has a set of 3-year-old twins, said, “Can you just imagine an army of tiny children? That’s the ‘American Dream!’ The little ones should be ready for anything, anytime. Doing this is the smartest option because having more educated gun handlers means that the bad guys will never win. This program will make sure that my children are equipped and will be known as national heroes one day.”

But not all parents are in agreement with Iowa legislators.

“This is not my idea of gun-law reform. Why can’t adults just be responsible and keep their guns where they know their kids can’t get to them?” said Charles Shaw. “The most logical thing is to stop a situation before it begins by keeping kids away from these weapons — or am I missing something? Why do we need to prep toddlers, who aren’t the most rational creatures yet, on guns? I just don’t know what to say.”

Leanna McAvoy, concerned mother of two toddlers and local law enforcement officer, condemned the bill, saying that humanity has taken a giant leap back.

“How can parents be trusted with supervising their children and guns if some of them can’t even conceal them properly?” said McAvoy. “I mean, I keep my gun out of sight and out of reach. My children don’t even know I have a gun, and I’ve never had an issue because of that. It’s the parents who are careless who end up with a problem on their hands.”

Iowa parents can register their children for the Toddler’s Militia, which looks really great on a resume, at local law enforcement offices.

“Never mind paintball and BB guns, which are for angsty teens — this is the real thing,” said Pid.

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