It can be hurtful, concerning or even awkward when a roommate or colleague doesn’t respond to your attempts to make conversation. However, there are ways of going about the situation before calling it quits.
Understanding boundaries and personal space
According to the United States Institute of Peace, “individualism is associated with values like self-sufficiency, individual responsibilities and personal autonomy. Collectivism, on the other hand, is the norm in societies that tend to emphasize ‘we’ over ‘I’.” Americans tend to lean towards individualism, meaning that personal space is valued. One of the factors that can contribute to a roommate or colleague acting closed off could indicate a problem with personal space.
“Always remember good relationships are built on a firm understanding of boundaries … Understanding your roommate’s boundaries [is] really very important. I would rather have a roommate who was respectful of my boundaries than one who wanted to be friendly with me.” -Kristin Stover
Kristin Stover, a licensed psychologist and assistant clinical professor at NSU’s College of Psychology, believes that one of the first steps in breaking down the social barrier is being able to respect the other person’s boundaries.
“Always remember good relationships are built on a firm understanding of boundaries … Understanding your roommate’s boundaries [is] really very important. I would rather have a roommate who was respectful of my boundaries than one who wanted to be friendly with me,” said Stover.
Antisocial, asocial or other?
There are many factors that contribute to how a person communicates, but there is a difference between those who are antisocial or asocial.
“Antisocial suggests a person who commits actions that are against societies’ norms. So, we would [say] a person who, for example, harms others, has very little respect for others [and] is perhaps a potentially dangerous person. A person who has less of a drive for social interaction than the average person would likely be described as avoidant or asocial,” said Stover.
Remember that there can be other reasons a roommate or coworker might act distant. Big responsibilities, stress or personal problems can also play a role.
Remember that there can be other reasons a roommate or coworker might act distant. Big responsibilities, stress or personal problems can also play a role.
“A good way to start distinguishing or determining what the case is with your colleague or with your roommate would be to start by making small, very manageable gestures indicating that you would like to interact with them. A shy person when their comfort level has been reached [will be able to] overcome and calm their hesitation and interact with another person,” said Stover.
Solving the problem
Regarding an asocial roommate, “There are a lot of ways we can approach increasing our connection with other people. One way is to remember to be an inclusive person and start making small offers and attempts to include your roommate or coworker in some of your social activities. Another way to deal [with this problem], particularly in the roommate scenario, is to create or ask for maybe one night or afternoon a week where you can meet for coffee … set your expectations at a very manageable level and try to work from there.” said Stover.
Stover advises that if a coworker’s silence is affecting work ethic or causing problems, different methods should be utilized.
“When in doubt, consult with others. Not gossiping, but going to the person who is your direct supervisor or mentor and discussing your impressions on how the communication deficiencies that you are experiencing with this other individual are impacting your work… A team approach towards improving communication skills have far better outcomes,” said Stover.
Stover’s final advice
“My main advice for anyone would be: if you have a roommate who is less interactive in a social way than you would like them to be, but is respectful of your boundaries and understands your needs as a person, then you’re not in the worst place,” said Stover.
Stover also wants students to know that it is normal to try and ignite change.
“My main advice for anyone would be: if you have a roommate who is less interactive in a social way than you would like them to be, but is respectful of your boundaries and understands your needs as a person, then you’re not in the worst place.” -Kristin Stover
“As a person of good faith, we all want to have emotional reactions and connections with other people. And being that person that opens yourself up and puts yourself out there to try and establish a relationship is a really good place to be. You can’t take it personally when others don’t return that same level of desire,” said Stover. “They may have a lot of different factors influencing how comfortable they are interacting with others.”
