Seriously Kidding: Meow of Duty

Feeding wild animals usually makes them too dependent on free food. They tend to look to you for food instead of hunting for it naturally. The campus is cracking down on those that feed the animals but did they ever consider how the animals would react? I have information from sources who have chosen to remain anonymous due to the sheer fear of what they know. Word has it that the feral cats around the campus are planning a revolution and it’s going to be big. They have already formed their black ops team and now they’re in contact with the ducks to form an elite air force.

Eye witnesses have spotted what seems to be a training ground for the Toe Bean Coalition (that’s their official name). Those eye witnesses have gone missing shortly after reporting their findings, which has everyone on edge.  We have tried to contact the police but they are currently radio silent. I fear that they have already been removed from the equation. If they are trying to scare us, I’d say it is working.

Every few minutes we get calls from hysterical students who have either seen the shadow of these cats or their tail slowly wrapping around a corner. It doesn’t just stop there, the cats have been targeting unsuspecting visitors as well. They use their cuteness to their advantage. One cat will act as if it wants cuddles and then another will steal whatever items are available. It has gotten to the point of them kidnapping small children and ransoming them for kibble. If we stop giving them food, I guess they will just take it. There’s also talk about them taking control of the entire university and declaring themselves an independent nation.

I have always dreamt of a nation of cats but not like this. We tried to get a statement from the Coalition’s leader Pete Depaux but all he had to say was, “meow.” A cat of little words but full of actions.  If this doesn’t trouble you then I don’t know what will. We humans have begun to form a defensive alliance to attempt to fight our way back to freedom. Many are hoping this conflict will end peacefully. The cats have recently raised a banner that says, “All boxes will be filled, all dots will be caught and all food will be ours.” Could this be a call to arms for the other campus wildlife?

The higher ups on campus are attempting to form a peace treaty with the coalition.  They had a meeting on Oct. 5 in the cafeteria (an area which has been claimed by the cats). Experts believe it’s only a matter of time before they claim the rest of the university. Little is known of the extent of their military power, but whatever they have seems to be effective. Only time will tell if we make it out of this unscathed. I suggest that readers contact their family and friends to let them know they’re loved. Pete, if you are reading this please give me my pen back, it’s my only pen and I need it for class.

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