The following is a satirical piece, meaning that this piece is full of humor, exaggeration, irony and other techniques to create a ridiculous story. This piece is purely entertaining and not meant to be taken seriously under any circumstances. This piece does not reflect the views of the writer, Nova Southeastern University or The Current as a whole. With this in mind, please enjoy.
While NSU is working hard to execute the Trap, Neuter and Return program (TNR) to handle the feral cats on campus, other schools in South Florida have been taking a different approach. Meteor Northwestern University, whose campus is actually in Fort Lauderdale, was faced with a similar situation regarding cats on campus, but instead of being removed from campus, the cats retaliated.
The university is now run entirely by felines. All staff, faculty and professors have been replaced by cats and their feline cousins to provide the best education to its students.
Many of the professors at the university are regular house cats including calico, tabby and tortishell alike, but all with accomplished research in where that red dot is coming from. Students are expected to come to class prepared with delicious cat treats in hand and the willingness to provide belly scratches.
Administration positions at the university have, of course, been reserved for bigger feline species. Most deans are either lions or panthers, and halfway through the semester they have only eaten seven students. Students looking to speak with administration should carry some sort of cat toy or large piece of meat to avoid any issues regarding being consumed.
The university has also pushed through changes for much of its curriculum. All majors are now required to take a course in “how to become a crazy cat person” in their first semester. Some new elective courses introduced by the new faculty include: the propaganda behind man’s best friend, how to knock things off shelves, an analysis on cat breeds and litterbox etiquette.
The dining on campus has been elevated to new levels, serving exclusively liver, tuna and mice tartar. While the dishes could use a little seasoning other than catnip, they are palatable besides the occasional cat hair or ten found in the food.
NSU should take heed from Meteor Northwestern University. If NSU is unable to respect the authority of the cats on campus, then the university could easily be taken over by the deviously smart felines.
What a dapper little man!
Nice Cat!