The following is a satirical piece, meaning that this piece is full of humor, exaggeration, irony and other techniques to create a ridiculous story. This piece is purely entertaining and not meant to be taken seriously under any circumstances. This piece does not reflect the views of the writer, Nova Southeastern University or The Current as a whole. With this in mind, please enjoy.
A new method of forecasting the day has been sweeping across TikTok: bones or no bones. Noodle the 13-year-old pug casts his glossy eyes into the future and decides whether a day will be a bones day or a no bones day. A bones day meaning that Noodle has bones and can stand up on his own. A bones day is said to bring good fortune.
Thirteen students at NSU have fully dedicated themselves to Noodle the pug as his acolytes. One of Noodle’s acolytes spoke with a representative from The Current, saying, “We are so glad to bring the gospel of Noodle to NSU. Today is, fortunately, a bones day, and we thank Noodle for that. Today is a good day, Noodle has decreed it so, and who are we to question his wisdom?” This group of students refer to themselves as the Church of Noodle the osseous.
Two of the acolytes from the Church of Noodle the osseous stated that they have been chosen to be the church’s symbol of the no bones day. These acolytes have fully committed to having no bones days by beginning the process of removing all of their bones.
One of the no bones acolytes told The Current, “We have already started the de-bonifaction process. I haven’t had any issues yet, but it does take a little more effort to get to class. It is worth it though, all for the glory of Noodle. Hey, do you want to hold my femur?” The Current’s representative declined holding their femur. The removed bones will be used to construct an altar to Noodle in the center of the Church of Noodle the osseous.
The Current reached out to a local health clinic to get their thoughts on these students’ actions. After multiple attempts to interview doctors, a representative from The Current finally got an answer from Hugh Maris, a local doctor.
Maris frantically told the representative, “Obviously you need your bones. Now lose my number.” Maris was reached out to again for further questions, but he has since blocked everyone affiliated with The Current.
For students interested in hearing more about the Church of Noodle the osseous, they meet every morning in the spine to hear Noodle prophesize the day.
