City of Davie welcomes abnormally large spiders

The ubiquitous banana spiders around NSU’s main campus in Davie, Florida, have fully integrated with the human population. These spiders will play the roles of president, administrative staff, academic advisors, professors, roommates and classmates, to name a few.

The integration of human-sized spiders into the NSU community is part of a city-wide plan to accept individuals of all races, creeds and species.

What started as innocent webs intricately spun in every possible nook and cranny of the school’s trees has now become a full-fledged reign of terror, as the spiders’ distinctly non-human appearances and mannerisms are as off-putting as they are frightening.

An announcement came from the new president’s office.

“It pleases me as spider president that we can work toward a more cohesive relationship with humans,” said the president. “Really, do not be afraid of us. It’s not like we’re that closely related to dinner-plate-sized, bird-eating arachnids in South America.”

Students are urged to respect their new spider comrades, as they are completely harmless.

“I just can’t help but think that my new arachnid boyfriend just wants to eat me,” said Terra Fied, junior environmental studies major. “I’ve studied spiders before, and his appetite is just not normal. I can’t help but feel like I’m a fly caught in a web when we’re alone.”

Several individuals find it difficult to acclimate to having spiders as peers.

“He does not respect my personal space,” said Scar DeCat, freshman biology major, about his new eight-legged roommate Danny Longlegs, freshman legal studies major. “His spindly legs really creep me out, he took over more than his half of the room, there are webs everywhere, and I keep finding dead things on the floor.”

DeCat also said that his new roommate is as intimidating as Longlegs’ smaller, albeit hand-sized, tree-dwelling cousins.

Along with forcing students to coexist with spiders, the president also said that students who do not pay all tuition and fees prior to the start of each term are warned that there will be stricter punishments than account holds.

“I owed about $350 dollars, and I found my door covered in webs and what I think was a mangled arm,” an anonymous residential student said. “I’m not sure if it was human or animal. I don’t know if I like that the spider mafia is in charge now.”

The spiders have also replaced Chartwells’ staff.

“I just hope they wash all eight of their hands,” said Marc Howard, sophomore marine biology major.

NSU students have yet to come to a conclusion regarding the benefits of the city’s decision to accept spiders into the human population.

“Yeah, I have my own ‘Spider Man,’ but didn’t his chick end up dead?” Fied said.

But one thing is certain: spiders are a cost-effective solution to pest control.

“On the bright side, I haven’t seen any more roaches in my room,” DeCat said.

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