Seriously Kidding: Fluffing Hormones

Who doesn’t like a nice big fat piece of chicken on their dinner plate? Thanks to growth hormones, this is the new normal. So why stop there? Companies are now introducing a new growth hormone that makes dogs fluffier and rounder. Now you can have a spherical cloud follow you around all day bumping into objects because its eyes are covered by its excessive fur. These new and improved puppies come with many new features, some of which include: impact resistance, dirt resistance, new mode of transportation, softer and more fur per circumference.

The impact resistance is for those dogs that take a tumble every few steps. Now you don’t have to worry about your dog hurting itself falling down the stairs. It will now simply bounce away to safety. With the rounder shape optimizing cuddle ratios, the dogs have a tough time running or walking in general. Thus, each dog is individually trained to roll around instead of the boring and traditional alternative, walking. Now that they are softer you can finally live your dream of having a living pillow. With the occasional barks and whimpers endured, these new pillow should lead to the best naps of your life. I’m sure it won’t be too long before scientists figure out a way to cease the noise all together.

The lead scientist Vromikos Pseftis claims that there are little to no side effects when it comes to these new treatments. Some of these side effects may include but are not limited to: diarrhea, coughing, spontaneous combustion, demonic possession, half the typical life expectancy, excessive ear wax, osteoporosis and a slightly longer tail than usual. He is confident that these side effects are minor and will have little to no effect on your quality of life. Pseftis is moving forward with his research and is seeking investors to help begin the distribution process. If all things go as planned, the new and improved dog will have replaced the older models by 2030.

After submitting his findings, a poll was taken on whether the mass population would want these upgraded versions of the dog. Pseftis received raving responses and the population demanded that these dogs be available as soon as possible. Time magazine has even mentioned it in its article “top 10 household items you need.”  Small groups of animal activists have been seen protesting but have been overpowered by the vast majority. America wants this dog and nothing will stand in its way. Even Google has reported that “New dog” has taken the lead as the most searched word of all time, beating out “Matt Lauer” and “what time is it?”

Pseftis and his team are expecting over 200 million in sales in the first month alone. We asked Pseftis what he would do with all that money, he replied “I will donate a large portion to PETA and then begin research on other improvements I can make.” He is a big supporter of animal rights and believes that PETA is a great organization. When we tried to contact PETA for comments about the sizeable donations and if that would affect how they evaluate these dogs, they replied, “No one’s home, try again later.” Subscribe to this issue for information on how to preorder the new and improved dog.

Leave a Reply