The following is a satirical piece, meaning that this piece is full of humor, exaggeration, irony and other techniques to create a ridiculous story. This piece is purely entertaining and not meant to be taken seriously under any circumstances. This piece does not reflect the views of the writer, Nova Southeastern University or The Current as a whole. With this in mind, please enjoy.
Aries
It’s Aries season and y’all are already a bit too full of yourselves. Take it down a notch before you hurt yourself. No, like, calm down bro.
Taurus
Your FBI agent is seriously worried about you. What are you doing? It is legitimately concerning.
Gemini
With the new Batman movie out, they might be looking for someone to play Two-Face. It’s the perfect role for you.
Cancer
You look stressed. Is everything alright? Here, have a nice cup of tea and relax. Things will get better soon enough.
Leo
We regret to inform you that the Leo horoscope has been moved to The Current’s Platinum Plan. To gain access to your horoscope and other perks of The Current’s Platinum Plan, please subscribe by leaving your name and payment—three easy installments of $4 million or the right kidney of an elder god—under the stairs in the Don Taft University Center. Disclaimer: The Current is not liable for any repercussions of the acquirement of elder god organs.
Virgo
When was the last time you washed your hair? Really? No, that’s unacceptable. Go get cleaned up. We have guests in five minutes.
Libra
Time to pick up a new hobby. Any interest in juggling flaming chainsaws?
Scorpio
Stop blaming your problems on your astrological sign. Everyone around you isn’t mad at you because you are a Scorpio, they’re mad at you because you’re really annoying.
Sagittarius
You haven’t reached enlightenment. You’re just a sleep deprived college student with a severe caffeine addiction. Drink some water and get some sleep. It’ll be good for you, and I don’t want to hear any arguments about it.
Capricorn
I’m not going to bother giving you a horoscope, it’s not like you read this far anyway.
Aquarius
We get it, you know big words. But that doesn’t mean you know what they mean. Stop saying you are very photosynthesis.
Pisces
A rather cryptic message was left for you at The Current. The message said, “The FitnessGram Pacer Test… The FitnessGram Pacer Test… is a multistage aerobic capacity test…The FitnessGram Pacer Test is is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds… In 30 seconds… In 30 seconds… Remember to run in a straight line… straight line… line… li… li… line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail… you fail… you fail… you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin…” Does that mean anything to you?
