Paula Gardenhire is a senior communication studies major from New Jersey. She hopes to become a children’s book author and maybe even start her own philanthropy. She also enjoys drawing, painting, reading, going to the beach and spending time with her son.
To those who don’t know me, I may look like just another student on campus. The last thing someone might suspect is that there is a precious little human waiting for his “mama” to return to him and show her all that he discovered while she was at school.
I am the mother of a precious, rambunctious baby boy who is now 1 year old. Being a mother is a 24/7 job that is incredibly demanding yet extremely rewarding. I now have a child whose everyday needs I provide for, and as his mother, I have the responsibility of giving him all that and more. Although it is a challenging job, getting to look in the eyes of a child I carried for nine months is an indescribable feeling, and being able to watch that child learn and grow every day is a gift. When I look back on this past year, it amazes me how much I have transformed from just a regular college student to a mother.
Finding out I was pregnant was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was 20-years-old, in the middle of my junior year of college. Becoming pregnant at such a pivotal point in my life was certainly not intended. I felt like my life was suddenly flipped upside-down and felt extremely ill-prepared for what was to come. On top of this, I was experiencing early pregnancy symptoms like morning sickness and a complete loss of appetite, which only added to my stress. Not only that, but coming from a Christian family, I wondered how my family would react; what would they think of me? I was also concerned with what those around me would think. I was afraid that people were going to judge me. The last thing I wanted was for people to think of me as just another one of those “teen moms.”
With fear, I decided to go to my mother first with the news, and despite my worries, she chose to support me 100 percent. She knew how far I had come as a college student and how important school was to me, so she promised to be there every step of the way to help make sure I graduated and also to teach me all she knew about raising a child. Her accepting and encouraging words gave me clarity. As long as I had my mother’s support, I knew it would all be OK.
After my boyfriend Michael and I shared the news with everyone, we ended up having the support of not only my family but his family as well, which was truly amazing. At 20 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having a boy and were both overjoyed. When I used to think about one day becoming a mother, I always wished I would have a son. And of course, Michael could not be happier: he would have someone to go fishing and talk sports with. After finding out the sex of our child, things started feeling very real. I was really going to be a mom, and I knew I had a lot to learn.
My life was already changing so drastically and the baby wasn’t even born yet. I was no longer able to do the normal things college students get to do. Instead of living the active lifestyle of a college student, I was shopping for baby supplies and reading motherhood and newborn books. On the weekends, while other college kids were out, I was at home binging out on food and in bed by 9 p.m. Although my belly wasn’t showing any signs of a baby yet, I felt apprehensive about doing things I used to, like going to hang out at the beach, so I spent a lot of time locked away in my room. I began to feel like an outcast and didn’t know a better way to deal with what I was going through. My 21st birthday came and went, and after all the fun I used to imagine I would I have on that day, I never imagined I would end up spending it at home and pregnant.
I was happy once my junior year ended, so I no longer had to worry about attending class during the tough first trimester of my pregnancy. During my second trimester, which was a lot easier pregnancy symptom wise, I began working full time at a daycare center while taking summer classes online. I was determined to get a few courses out of the way. At the daycare, I looked after children who were 16 to 24 months old, this helped prepare me for having a child of my own. I was changing diapers, handling temper tantrums and entertaining toddlers on a daily basis. I realized I really enjoyed being around children. Seeing their smiling little faces made my rollercoaster of a pregnancy more manageable. I also found the time to attend parenting courses with Michael. We learned all about taking care of a newborn, from nursing to bathing. I was getting so anxious to meet the baby I felt kick inside of me.
Quickly as summer ended, my third trimester rolled around. I stopped working at the daycare. I was sad to leave but my belly was the size of a small watermelon and I no longer had the energy to go in every day. Even just walking around became a chore. I focused on the few half-term online classes I had signed up for as I began my senior year of college. I also moved into a new home and decorated what would become my son’s nursery. Eight weeks later, I managed to complete the courses just in time for my baby’s arrival.
On Oct. 21, 2013 I gave birth to my big (9 pounds 2 ounces, to be exact), beautiful and healthy baby boy, Cambridge. Seeing his face for the first time completely changed my life forever. Although I had felt prepared take care of a newborn from the courses I took and books I read, I quickly learned that nothing really prepares you except the real-life experience.
The months were flying by and I realized I had previously registered for full-time classes for the upcoming second semester of my senior year. For some reason, I thought I would be able to juggle school along with my already crazy schedule of caring for an infant. Boy was I wrong. I was in full-time mom mode taking care of my son, and he required all of my attention, all day and all night. Now that my son was here, he was my first priority, so I knew I had to make the choice to take time off from school and delay graduation.
In August, my son was 10-months-old and I felt I was ready to return to school this semester to complete my final year. I have my family and Michael’s help watching the baby while I attended classes part-time. I am happy to be back in school instead of just taking online classes. Sometimes, as a mother, there are times you feel disconnected from the world because your child is your world and not much else matters. Going to school for a few hours a day is refreshing. I feel I am accomplishing so much and finally getting back on track.
Even now, a year after having my son, I am still trying to find the right balance between being a mom and being a student. What I’ve learned so far is that it’s impossible to be a perfect student and perfect mom. Perfection at anything is unrealistic, but with hard work and perseverance, my best is good enough. Until you have a child of your own, it is difficult to understand all that a mother actually does. It is truly one of the hardest jobs out there. Sometimes I go to bed not having accomplished all of the little tasks I wanted to get done because there aren’t enough hours in the day anymore, but I’ve learned to accept that.
Although I am now a mother and sleep has become my long lost best friend, I do not feel I’m missing out on my young adult years. Every day I spend with my son is a blessing and I look forward to journeying through life with him by my side. What’s important to me now is graduating college, not only for me, but for Cambridge. One day he will understand how hard I worked to make sure he had a great life, and, most importantly, that I never gave up. I cannot wait for that special day in May 2015 when I will graduate and my son will get to see me walk across that stage.
When someone who doesn’t know me finds out I’m a mother, I still get the usual response, “What? You’re a mom?!” But I’m getting used to that. I love being a mother and I’m thankful for this life-changing experience and for my beautiful little blessing who calls me “mama.”
