Seriously Kidding: New Zelda title inadvertently brings world peace

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By: Aidan Rivas

Nintendo’s newest title in the famed Legend of Zelda franchise, “The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild,” met unparalleled renown when it hit the shelves on March 3. The response to the game has been overwhelmingly positive, with the title selling millions of copies on its opening day. Sources say it is “the greatest video game they’ve ever had the pleasure of laying eyes upon.” According to public opinion, the game has already gone down in history as the pinnacle of human innovation, topping fire and sliced bread.

The video game has grown to such heights of popularity that witnesses have reported religious groups forming based around the title, with scheduled meetings taking place worldwide to discuss the practice. Our field agent reporter Scatt Japlin attended one of these meetings. He reported ritualistic proceedings, ranging from prostration in front of the game’s box art to habitual game cartridge licking. Japlin took part in these ceremonies and reported an abhorrent bitter taste associated with the cartridge. Upon asking about the reasoning for the religious group’s actions, he was told that “we aim to suffer as the Hero of Courage suffers in his own heroic journey.” Japlin assumes this to be a metaphor, as do several of the congregation members.

The religious group, dubbed “Wildism,” has attracted hundreds of thousands of individuals, gamers and non-gamers alike.

“I just feel like I can get behind what these people stand for,” said one enthusiastic participant.

The “Wildlings” have raised over $1.7 million for various charities worldwide and are currently petitioning for the advent of their own nation located on an undisclosed island. The island is to be used as a food distribution center to assist all struggling nations, so as to remain faithful to the game’s key religious figure, the Goddess Hylia, through unending altruism.

People worldwide have expressed acceptance of Wildism’s doctrines, as evidenced by the global UN meeting last Saturday where Wildism was made the new worldwide religion on unanimous decision. The Legend of Zelda series producer Eiji Aonuma, as well as game director Hidemaro Fujibayashi, have been slated to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in the winter for their efforts aiding humanity. Nintendo has chosen to remain silent in regards to the religion’s activities.

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