The following is a satirical piece, meaning that this piece is full of humor, exaggeration, irony and other techniques to create a ridiculous story. This piece is purely entertaining and not meant to be taken seriously under any circumstances. This piece does not reflect the views of the writer, Nova Southeastern University or The Current as a whole. With this in mind, please enjoy.
Copernicus (The Earth goes around the sun)
As the Earth revolves around the sun, so too do conversations revolve around you. Know your worth, and know that you are better than Patricia from work. She could never pull off that outfit like you can.
Aquarium (The water bear)
Google water bears, and thank me later.
Pieces (The peanut butter treat)
You are one minor inconvenience away from becoming a VSCO girl or just crying. Honestly, same. It really do be like that some days.
Arroz (The rice with lamb)
Go ahead order that extra side. You earned it. You’ve been through a lot and definitely deserve to treat yourself.
Tortoise (The bullfrog with a shell)
It’s a bones day. You know what to do. Go out and live your best life. Take a lesson from Noodle the pug and grab the day by its bones and hold yourself up high. Beware, tomorrow is not promised to be a bones day. Be wary of a boneless future.
Germinate (The sprout)
Have you had any water today? No, iced coffee does not count as water. Drink some water, you need to hydrate. Do I really need to make sure that you take care of yourself? No, no. No more arguing, here, drink a glass of water and get some sleep. You desperately need it.
Cans (The recyclable)
Go touch some grass. When was the last time you left your room? When was the last time you took care of yourself? Between you and Germinate, I’ve got my hands full. Please just take care of yourself, I’m spread too thin as it is.
Leonardo (da Vinci)
Wait, why are we writing a horoscope for him? He’s been dead for like 500 years. Eh, who cares? You’re doing great dude. Maybe do some more painting. I heard the Mona Lisa was a big hit. Maybe you can remix that.
Vertigo (The dizziness)
Go to class. Seriously, go. Instagram can wait. He’ll text you back later. Stop focusing on all of that and run to DeSantis. You are already late. Get a move on.
Library (The book hoard)
A message was delivered to our office addressed to you. Yes you, our dear reader. It reads thusly, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. You should have received a notice in the mail about your car’s extended eligibility. Since you have not responded, here is your final courtesy call. Please respond, or we will continue contacting you. We are never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.”
Scorpion (The squid)
Watch Squid Games on Netflix. That’s it. That’s what you need today. Have fun.
Baggitarius (The badger)
Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, mushroom, mushroom. Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, mushroom, mushroom. SNAKE!!!
