Feeding wild animals usually makes them too dependent on free food. They tend to look to you for food instead of hunting for it naturally. The campus is cracking down on those that feed the animals but did they ever consider how the animals would react? I have information from sources who have chosen to […]
Category: Satire
Seriously Kidding: Life or Debt: A scholarship that keeps you afloat
The Life or Debt Scholarship is sweeping the nation, providing money for all of the low-income students who earn less than the federal loans they have to take in order to stay in their full-time classes. In an age where the only thing more stressful than loan debt is applying for loans, the Life or […]
Seriously Kidding: New dining hall to go in the Alvin Sherman Library
Have you wanted to get Chick-Fil-A, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Taco Bell or Chipotle on campus? Well the wait is officially over. The first floor of the Alvin Sherman Library is being converted into a dining hall with all your favorite fast-food restaurants! By the end of this semester, you will finally be able to binge eat […]
Seriously Kidding: University to make life more stressful in response to student stress
Another study conducted by the Why Are We Like This Foundation found that the average American — especially current and incoming college students — suffers significantly negative effects of high levels of stress. The University of Pretending To Get It will implement another graduation requirement that is not only non-essential to their students, but is […]
Seriously Kidding: New linguistic study reveals that use of ‘literally’ deserves second look
Twenty-two-year-old Kelly Nicholas, a thought-to-be frequent flyer in linguistic hyperbole, exclaimed that after her phone fell into the water during a seaward selfie, she “literally died.” Intellectuals who were present simultaneously rolled their eyes at the reckless disregard for the literal meaning of the word, when closer inspection revealed that Nicholas was no longer performing […]
Seriously Kidding: Professor upset after showing up an hour late to find classroom empty
“An actual disgrace to their entire generation,” said Royale Knot, professor in the department of Literally Any College, referencing her Thursday afternoon class. Last week, Knot was dismayed to find that only three out of the 25 students she had in the class waited for her to arrive, despite being an hour late. “It’s just […]
Seriously Kidding: Girl who constantly claims to hate everyone confused at lack of friends
Nida Fren said that she was born knowing that she would hate everyone she meets. “Yeah, I’m just not like other girls I guess,” said Fren. “People just really annoy me.” Fren said that this constant annoyance causes her to wear shirts such as “I’m not racist, I hate everyone. I’m a humanist,” to constantly […]
Seriously Kidding: Student writes book about how reading is stupid
Senior communication major Issa Dumwon published her first and only book last week titled “All the Reasons Why Reading is Stupid.” She said she hopes that the book will help shed light on how often people waste their time reading, thinking they enjoy it or are getting some type of benefit from it. “It’s just […]
Seriously Kidding: Young man angry, claims he was falsely accused of being mad
In response to what he says was an inflammatory comment made by the university administration, Andy Gree, sophomore biology major, posted a 15-minute Facebook video explaining “his side of the story.” For 12 minutes, Gree addressed the inflammatory comment which was “I know you are upset, sir.” Gree said he wasn’t upset and the attribution […]
Seriously Kidding: Student finds happiness by ‘filling the void with memes’
Sahad Mand is 19 years old, wears a knee brace and has a very large bald patch on the top of his head. In many cases bringing this up might be considered rude, however, it’s newsworthy because all of these symptoms, according to Mand’s doctor, are results of stress. Mand’s hair started falling out six […]